☆ハナ☆

☆ハナです。☆

He's back, I saw him last night, I can feel it now... the air is thick... I can't move from here, I can't...

It's going to cut, I just know there's a blade here... something wrapped around my throat, damn it... I... I feel like it's going to cut me slowly, one piece at a time, it... it's closing in...

I can't keep my back to the door, but I can't keep my back to the window... and under the desk, and the bed... listening to Enter Sandman ain't helping but I can't listen to anything else...

His hand is at the door handle, I can see it...

☆ハナです。☆

Once again I forgot the photo, but now my face is too sleepy to even take it xD

Okay, so I stayed up until like, 10am, and no one came here to fix the damn internet! They said they'd be here at 8. So I put Victoria to the side, get Baby, hug her and lay down next to Tsuki, covering all of us with the sheets and falling asleep. Around 4pm my dad wakes me up, hell I didn't know he was still around, and makes me go out with him for ice cream, food and sweets XD Okay, that's a good thing. He gives me my money, we search for stuff for my guitar, and then finally I'm left back home again. I work on some stuff I had to work on, get a tiny bit of money for it, go back to sleep. Wake up every some hours, I'd left my comp and internet on, so I just come on every time until I sleep again.

The internet guys came while I wasn't here, so I was with an open firefox and my mom in my unguarded room... *shivers* I'm glad everything's seemingly in place, but I hope she didn't mess around the comp.

So now I'm sleeping, waking up and coming on, sleeping, waking up and coming on... yeah ^^;;

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

Ok, I admit... yesterday I felt like shit, totally beaten down. I don't know, I don't even know what part of my thoughts made me cry at a first mention of Chinese Democracy or of listening to it... Things are so messy in my head, I don't even want to go to that matter now.

Anyway, I was broken down and after I went offline I had to cry myself to sleep again, which is really bad considering my moodswings tend to be kind of violent. It also didn't help that I almost lost the bus and that Manu stayed saying shit, I consider her my friend, but she really crosses the line on what to say at times. That's one of the few I should not consider my friend, or else it just hits me badly. If it's not, then I'm fine... but if I didn't have better self control, I'd probably have or hurt her or cried again.

And it ALSO didn't help that Andre kept provoking Aoi and then said lots of stuff and then they argued, Aoi got in a dark mood and even refused to eat... *sigh* Koinu managed to stay close to him through that, but even Manu and Marcos kept back. I just tried to cheer him up without being annoying.

Then my chem teacher, Jashin, how I wanted to kill him. Not that it isn't a mutual respect-hate feeling we have, as much as we can talk and be civil we're not the best of friends that a student and a teacher could be. Also, I'm never again taking my guitar to school on a day when I have chem class.

Aoi continued in his almost-corner (the corner is Heitor's, Aoi sits a seat from it) until after "breakfast" period, even refusing the food I bough for him. Well, Marcos took it, since I wasn't going to eat it. I had some for myself, too...

But it seems like in the before-last period, when we had to watch a movie 'bout volcanos, he calmed down. Not the normal Aoi, but he was calmer.

Then we didn't have last period 'cause our teacher didn't show up, so I went to Aoi's house (he lives almost beside the school) and made us some early lunch (it was still 10:30am), which he thankfully agreed to eat. I guess he managed to calm down more and get back to normal, because he even complained I wasn't eating enough XDD

I actually don't like to eat as much as normal when I'm at other people's houses, even though I feel at home most of the time when I'm there. But he was right, I had what, half a plate? XDD So I did manage to get some more food, and he quit complaining.

We watched DBZ before I had to go and get the bus to come back home, I guess I was feeling better by then again... that reminds me of a time when I was with Lally and for some reason we were angry, but then it just seemed to calm down. It was as if for a first moment I was a stranger in Aoi's house again, but then we were like siblings some minutes later.

Well, I'm glad he wasn't angry at me, or else I'd be much worse. I have this thing, it doesn't matter who it is, but if someone I consider close is angry at me I get extra-emotional, even more than usual... yeah.

Then I came home talking to Samu and Felipe, as usual, Felipe and I arguing about not having what to argue over XD

I came home and then bad news again, damn it, my guitar teacher was taken to the hospital for some problem with his blood ways... I hope he's okay, now...

In other words, I was at home risking breaking down because of boredom when I decided to make the cookies for the boys. Damn, it's been months! My special recipes, my books, my bowels, my chocolate cookies... It's just heaven to do that again, if I weren't in music I'd definitely choose something to do with cooking.

Also, it made me feel more useful. Thinking of how Koinu would be unusually hyper about it, and open the first package just to have it stolen by Aoi, they run around the school chasing each other for the cookies while the others get into some of the other packages and we just keep laughing and in the end everyone is just happy...

I love seeing that, be it for real or in my mind, it always makes me smile. That, at least that way, I can help them be happy and laugh... and I won't lie, the cookies are good. XD I just never thought someone would get addicted to them... Now I even have a fan club for my cookies, made by LeH...

*chuckles* I have some of the dowel already done, I'm going to make more because just one won't do for those two... plus Marcos and the others if they eat... yeah~

This is going to be funny~

Anyway, tomorrow some people are coming to install some thing on the internet so we can use it on both computers, so I'll be offline even if I don't have school. I have to clean my room tonight, too, which... erm... uh... *looks around* XDDD Yeah. Lots of stuff to pick up...

That means mom hopefully won't have to steal my computer to go on the internet! Yeah, it's awesome.

Not only the cookies, I prepared a special kind of chicken only I know how to make because I mix up a hell of a lot of things XD I bet many chefs wouldn't mix up that much...

Well, yeah~ let me see, then I slept while the chicken was baking, and strange enough I woke up just at the right time for it to be perfectly baked XDDDDD

Other than that, I need ideas and inspiration to write~ and I'm so tempted to read a few mangás over and over, even though they can be kind of long... and I should have saved Death Note on my comp ^^;;

And now I'm listening to songs leaded by Izzy, like 14years, BOX (one of his solo songs), and at the moment Dust N' Bones. I love Axl's vocals, but something about Izzy makes me love him, too~ He's so cute and quiet, but at the same time dangerous (like, he was in original Guns, duh) and a genius... really, he was the main songwriter for Guns and he still has all that inspiration.

And I was thinking about something Aoi, Ale, Koinu, Nikki Sixx and some other guy said... XDD About women being troublesome... then there's that part of Dust N' Bones:

"Sometimes these women are so easy
Sometimes these women are so cold
Sometimes these women seem to rip you right in two
Only if you let them get to you"

And it just all fit, because I heard everything at the same time... XDDD Life is weird at times, really~

Then I was thinking again about moving to SP. My conclusion? Not yet, I can't leave the boys alone... and how would they survive without cookies? XD I really can't leave this just yet, not to mention my grades aren't good enough at the moment for me to change schools. Mine just started accepting me, and this year it marks nine years I study at the same school, so yeah... I want to try finishing it all here.

Also, I don't know if I could survive in SP... Even Miami is easier to live in, really XDD

I should put some cookies to bake soon, and then koi should be back soon, too... I just have to make sure not to burn the cookies or make too many of them, or else I'll end up eating them all... xD

I was thinking of buying bass picks and doing something for Kanon's birthday, but I don't know if I'll have the money... I need some guitar picks myself. But I'm going to try doing something with drumsticks for Teruki's birthday, I really hope I can do it~

Dad is in Paraná, which means I'm only going to get my SLASH book around a month from now... at least I'll get it, I hope... or else I'd murder him, really. XD Okay, not really, but at least let him hear a bit of bitching. I hope my Appetite For Destructions gets here soon, too...

Other than that, I'm kind of sleepy, but I have lots of stuff to do... *yawns* My room is honestly a mess. A real, real mess. Like, I don't think Pitty's early band days, or GnR living together in the beggining, or something like that, would be half this messy. XD And that's saying a lot.

Now I still have to find out if Koinu's really sleeping enough, I don't think he is... Sometimes I wonder why I keep taking care of them, I feel like if I were an elder sister even being the younger... xD (Koinu is 15, Aoi is 18 and Marcos 17, so yeah, I'm the younger).

I guess that's it for now... I still gotta take my picture, I'll post it soon~

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

I was talking to my koi about it, and well... my memory is shit, so I decided to try taking a picture of me from each day, and then maybe post 'em here, and see how that goes. This one is today:



Other than that, I have some pictures from when a friend's store was broken into and the robbers took everything out...


That's the entrance of the store on the next day.

Now lemme find some random shoots of myself...

☆ハナです。☆

Will you believe me if I say I don't remember a thing about what I wrote in that GnR post? XDDDDDDD
Okay, I was so down on sugar and sleep and I dunno what else, so if I said shit I usually wouldn't or was too harsh just tell me, I just dunno how Axl didn't let go of his awesomeness even through all that shit, it was and still is clearly a big pressure on them, and Mina and I were mixed together there.

Don't blame me on the shit I wrote, really, we don't like thinking that much XDD

Anyway, Mina and I were discussing on starting a... discussion thingy? It's like, video blog posts so I don't end up saying shit I don't intend to and stuff, to discuss albums and whatever... damn, it's hardly 7am and I haven't slept and I have smut to write... so yeah XDDD We'll see that later.

"It was just a trip to hear Ozzy working out the parts for a piece of music that I wrote. Somebody I’d been listening to since I was a kid, all of a sudden right there. He put together a very poignant set of lyrics about a particular subject matter that a lot of us can relate to..."

☆ハナです。☆

I've been watching more, reading more... I adore all the original line up, but some things... I don't know, because there was this break. Like, before the shows with the Stones, there was this break of them, and that's what drove them down. If they'd continued, just as they were... Steven probably wouldn't have been kicked out, Slash and Axl would probably be okay, everyone would probably be content with it. Even Izzy, I think.

He didn't want the band to be a worldly giant monster machine, but the reason he left the band wasn't just that. When the drugs tore them down, in this break, he and Slash and Steven were just so fucked up, and Duff was so drunk all the time, and Axl wasn't opened to other thoughts so his radical view of reality was just too big there... Steven couldn't get out of his drug addiction. Sometimes, I hate how much I understand that guy. He couldn't play because of it, but he'd lie to them. To continue there, to keep on playing... trying.

It wasn't the fact that they kicked him out that hit him so bad, I think... because he did everything he could to try and kill himself once he was out of the band. He just was betrayed, and the way it was announced, it just made that feeling grow. I know how that shit is, the difference of someone telling you you're out and then announcing it or just leaving it quiet, and of someone just getting in front of thirty eight thousand people and saying you're out and why you're out. Sure, I haven't been in front of all that people, but it's the same as if you were in front of five people. It just worsens it that they were famous, at their top.

And being sober, then Steven being kicked out... I don't think Izzy really accepted Matt as a GnR member, I have to read more on that, still, but Steven leaving was another thing that made him take his decision to leave. That, his freedom, and the fact he was sober around a bunch of still-drunk-n-high guys.

And then it all seemed to crumble...

But Axl hadn't told the others how he'd announce Steven's leave, you know... he just, I think by impulse or by feeling that was when he could do it, or maybe to see if that made Steven stop... he just got there and said it. I love Axl and I understand a lot of shit has happened, but that doesn't mean there aren't times when he fucked up. Sometimes, I want to do exactly what Steven said he wanted to... heh...

As much as there is obviously some scrapped reason, thrown off the map, there's also the point where Axl just got consumed by the fame. Join two and two, and you have a big fall. I have nothing against Matt, but also, Axl had announced that if someone -Slash- who had serious problems didn't stop, the band was over (in the first show out of the four they opened for the Stones). That made Slash hate him, in Slash's own words... He was pretty fucked up at the time, but that surely made him pissed at Axl...

And I remember it took Axl announcing Steven's leave that way for Steven's mother to realize he did have a problem, unfortunately it seemed to be too late to help. He was truly saved by a miracle, I just wonder for what purpose. I have lots of them in mind.

Though, while watching this interview, one line made me smile. That was by Matt, that he said "What's with the piano?"

As much as I like the thought that Axl's talent wouldn't go to waste, and I like the songs with the piano, I kind of understand him, too. It's like, the band didn't just have a change in members. Axl had decided to change the whole direction of the band, he wanted to do something different... and well, that just drove 'em all apart in a way, even more, but I'm not complaining about anything else that came from it. The problem is that as the beggining Guns they were fine, they were Guns N' Roses, and suddenly it started to change and they didn't agree. It's like, in a way, the Beatles.

Okay, weird thing to say.

Anyway, Slash wanted one thing, Matt felt out of place, and Axl was trying to drive a machine that had long since lost it's breaks, while Izzy was practically jumping out of the car so he wouldn't die... Duff, I just can't tell in which seat he was by the time this thing crashed.

Then well, there was the shit when Axl made them sign over the rights. He didn't fucking buy the rights to the name Guns N' Roses, he made them sign over for free.. it's almost as if he were stealing the band rights for himself. I mean, it was that or he left. Guns N' Roses was Steven, Axl, Slash, Duff and Izzy. Then, it was minus Steven but plus Matt, but damn, the other three and even Steven, they had their share in it. But even so, Guns wouldn't be the same without Axl's voice... it's like, I stopped listening to songs from after Izzy left, not from just after Slash left. One change is enough, and well, I just didn't feel right.

The base guitar, it seems so little, but it supports the whole song and it glues it together, and then he left...

Yeah, they handed over the rights because it wouldn't be GnR without Axl... Well, all in all, he wanted to make sure Guns N' Roses survived, even if one or another version fell down. I have nothing against the new versions of GnR as a band, but it just isn't the same band, it shouldn't have the same name.

Then there was the concert in St. Louis, where Axl tried to grab a camera from a fan and well, he ended up throwing the mic down in anger... it broke, and well, soon it was all chaos. Slash admitted he was scared of it, imagine, tens of thousands of people just out of control and you need to run... then they escaped, but that was... I'm even scared of hearing it, imagine living it.

And well, then there were times when Axl would walk off stage or not show up... and the times the show was awesome and you wouldn't forget it if it killed you... so it was all unexpected shit.

By the time Use Your Illusion was out, I guess they were so divided... yeah...

It seemed like that's when Axl stole the scene and fame was over his head for real, he was the focus, he was the videos and he seemed to be the band, in his head. I know he needed to survive, there was the part of trust only in yourself and throw other shit out the damn window, but still... what's the point of being in a band if you're the only focus? Or if you guys are on each other's nerves so bad you can't stay in the same room? It just... yeah.

I'm not putting all the blame on Axl, hell, I could make and probably will make another entry with the side blames, but this is to point out that he wasn't a fucking angel, nor was he the devil. He was someone who had an ugly past, learned how to not trust, had problems in lots of stuff and had this bad temper, this unstable, thin line in both his trust life, his love life, and his emotions. He was also overcome by fame, and he was also just... "When you're high, you never wanna come down"... I guess that sums it... He lived for Guns, but still, that ended up not being Guns in the end. In the end, he didn't want to let go, it's like... it's like when you seem to lose everything and the last important person to you is dying, you want to cling onto them and believe they're alive, even when the body is just empty.

That was one more item for Izzy to leave... he knew Axl since HS, back in Indiana, but when you add that band pressure and Axl's iron fist on the band, he didn't stand it. He left, November '91... I understand all of them, in a way, and Izzy, Steven and Axl are always plaguing my mind with that stuff, and Duff and Slash add onto it... I can say things to defend and condemn all of them, so don't put me in court or I'll contradict myself in this side. XDD It's like putting angel wings on Angus Young, when he deserves them, but at the same time crown him with the devil horns. They're both.

And then again, they were bound to break up or die or whatever, from the very beggining... that's what made them, that's what broke them. If Axl's past hadn't fucked him up, if Steven and Slash weren't that high, if Duff weren't that drunk, if Izzy weren't that... Izzy... they wouldn't be the most dangerous band in the world. Axl could just be the Axl we know because he let go and he would destroy everything around him, with his voice, and face his demons that way. The tour kept Steven and Slash and Izzy less high, Duff less drunk, because they already had what to keep them going.

After Iz left, they weren't exactly a band... and Matt said that. "Let's be a band, man".

And then there was Axl walking off stage more, no contact with him out of tour, and all shit was phoned... and Slash passed out in front of the elevator at the hotel... He almost died then. He dodged the bullet, it seems. But Duffy... *sigh*

He was so drunk, so bad in shape, he couldn't even speak well. He was killing himself. Matt said he'd hear something on stage, and look to see Duff passed out.

Then in '92, they joined Metallica for a tour. But fuck, the pyrothecnics must have let something off because in one of the shows, James was burnt badly on stage. Guns N' Roses had to deal with the crowd, then. Axl's voice was fucked up, so he couldn't save the day then.

Hell, that was chaos again. And then... Argentina, when it all ended. Fuck, a band ain't a bunch of guys hating each other, it's supposed to be a family. They were the most dysfunctional family in history, I guess. They still are, in a way.

On the road, they would, in a fucked up way, show it. But then they didn't want to get home, because it's like... it's all going to end as soon as we step off the tour.

They released the cover album, but then there was the new orginal album. Axl had to have the power in his hands because well, he felt dominant. It's like, I've felt it before. If I let go in the slightest, I'm going to die, and it's all over. Kind of like that.

It's like a marriage bound for divorce. Sympathy for the Devil, that was their eding track, the farewell, credits of the movie.

It was in '96, Slash quit... and Duff and Matt followed, of course. That was the end, for everyone. Minus Axl.

That guy, he really couldn't let go. Disappeared off the face of the earth for five years, to come back with an all-new badn under the same fucking name. THAT wasn't Guns. That was a completely different band, it's like saying "this band is a new GnR because it has one of it's originals in it". It just kept the name. Axl's voice was long gone, it wasn't the same... I'm not saying his voice is crap, I'm saying it changed, as everyone who abused drugs, alcohol, temper and vocal chords' voice is bound to change.

He changed, everyone changed.

So many years... Chinese Democracy, so many years to make it, so many years that Axl had been clinging onto the damn name of the band. Maybe if it weren't under the name Guns N' Roses, the album would be seen with better eyes. I don't have the courage to listen to something under the name of Guns N' Roses that has only one original member. I can listen to Velvet Revolver, I can listen to Sebastian Bach's Angel Down album with participations from Axl, I can listen to them in other shit, but not that way. Not under Guns N' Roses, as much as I hold respect for their members and Axl himself.

It ain't the same band.

In Velvet, Scott seemed to be more Axl-like. It may have been pressure, it may have been the need to be that, but he became too much like Axl for the others to stand. Until now, they're vocalist-less.

It's never going to be the same, even if they did happen to return. It's not the same, even if they came back to being a working and not-so-fucked-up family, but... you know, Guns N' Roses is still a family, that fucked up original line up is somehow, still a big, fucked up dysfunctional family that's going to live on, and well, it's never going to die. Axl can keep clinging to the name, but man, the name is gone to the history books for the '80s and early '90s, it ain't going to be the same machine again.

Shit, I should stop before I rant again XDDDD

☆ハナです。☆

It's good that people warn me I don't have school >.>

I'm at Aoi's now, and he doesn't know. In fact, he's still sleeping... *sigh* At least here I feel at home.

☆ハナです。☆

I said a lot of stuff about what's going on at my dA journal, so I'll just picspam you guys 8D

Yesterday, dad bought two horses and my sisters were more than just happy about it. Carina (the younger, shorter one) may seem kind of... not-smiling, but she's just like that sometimes XD Doesn't mean she isn't happy.

I was impressed to see Lara smiling that much again, in the last year she's been so cold around me... *sigh* I never was the best sister, I only started to really care for Carina around this year... Lara is just, I don't know, I tried being a good sister but in truth I felt distant from her. She may have noticed... How? I don't know.
















That's all for now~ <33

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

Music is one of the only things I fall in love with and stick to it, and following that is studies in culture and good stories. I read good stuff, or what I consider to be good, since everyone has an opinion. Those stories go from manga lines, from the anime I watch and hear, the books I read or anything, like biographies and band stories.

I may be seen as insane in many ways, I really am, but I do see music in anything, depending on it's point. I'm inspired in music, I think about bands and musicians, and the music calms me or tells me a story. Being a musician myself, I tend to focus a lot on music, and now I'm actually, well, writing about that. I see some people think I'll abandon writing my anime and manga fanfics, but I really won't. It just... I just have to fit the ideas, you know?

At the moment I'm listening to Sixx Sense, and they Mick Mars there now. They're just... I mean, the stories about the '80s and '90s, and what happened with the guys and things like when it seemed that only Angus was standing on an AC/DC show, playing his guitar while everyone else seemed to fall and then they just didn't stop, Angus went on and they continued playing after they got up.

There's also the fights and how things happened in relationships and how on earth people survived, because if you get like... Guns. Guns was, like many other bands, a machine. You couldn't really control it, it rode on it's tracks and it eventually fell off. As much as I wish they'd still be on, I can get it.

If you get the Stones, or AC/DC and so, do you have any idea how the hell they managed to keep the band together? Some people go so over the surface, it goes like "Oh, they're friends, they play awesome music" and done. But it's not like that, there's the pressure of having your post to stand, and on tour, in a live, you just have to know where to be, what to do when, what you shouldn't say, what you should, which are the notes, lyrics, what part of the song to do what, who's going to move where and the place of everything there.

Also, to make music there's the songwriter, who can choose to make the lyrics first and then the others have to throw music on top of that, and then go adapting the music and lyrics along the way. There's also the other way around, the music is ready but you have to put words to it. It depends on who's writing, who they are, how they are and what they're most comfortable with. But when your band has this awesome instrumental part, you just can't let them down or not make lyrics, even if it tears your head off.

So there is the pressure. Also, let's get Chinese Democracy and Axl obsessing over it. The delay in the album, the messing with the band, the recording... it's actually hard to record, too, because you need to do it in one tempo and unless you have money to throw through your window, you have to record each part of the song for each instrument and voice in diferent parts and then throw it together and hope it works well, and the sound comes out like you want it to.

There's also the release date, the pressure or doing it all in time and well, this delaying the release is pressure on the musicians, but having the date set on such complications is like that, too. So all in all, there is a huge ammount of pressure on your back simply in that, but if your lyrics don't fit, if something is wrong with the guitar sound, if someone freaks out over someone else getting something wrong, if they get late, early, photoshoots, videos, and so on.

Also, it's hard to live off music, it's just a few of the millions of bands that can actually get that spot that Aerosmith, Rolling Stones, Motley Crüe, Guns N' Roses, The Beatles and other guys that exploded got. Because there are really good, potential-filled small bands. Some people just don't see them, it's really hard when some others blind them. Like Slash said, it's full of good new bands out there but you just can't see them.

And there are relationships, too. If you're in a touring band, something that's always moving, reocording and travelling, it's almost never stopped, you'll be away from friends and family for quite some time unless they go with you, which won't always happen. You can always have a boyfriend or girlfriend that goes on tour, or keep contact when you're on tour, or stuff like that. But when it comes to a person who wouldn't want to travel and keep jumping around from place to place and also can't stand the distance, it's just a matter or working things out or it's going to break.

There's also the band friendships and relationships, because when you fight with someone in your band, a friend, you can always make up and hug and stuff even if you had yourself on fists. Now if you have a relationship like romantic or sexual relatioships with someone in your band, if you guys fight badly there's a high chance of it breaking the band in a way, or of it changing and all... also, the different opinions of this and that, you really gotta be able to deal with it.

And there's like, the other way around. As much as the band can affect your personal life, it also happens the other way around. Your song or music can get darker or lighter, you can want to be exiled, you can be completely broken to do anything and many other situations, so you have to know how to hold that well, or make two different lives for yourself.

But for that all to happen, there's also the good stuff. A band, in time, gets to be your family. It's like, you live in the same place at least at sometime, touring or recording, or you have that contact and it's like you can count on the others no matter what, from ridiculous to the most serious shit.

You push yourselves forwards, help going up or just... are there to be a complete idiot. It's a family, it's a way of assuring you're not alone, too, and you always have those friends there. Even if it breaks, if something happens badly, well, it's still there while it lasts.

It's... well, it's way too much to put in a post. There's the energy of the band, of the music, the lives and all... and it's going to break or just go on until the end, there's no seeing ahead. I just... wanted to write down my thoughts, and that I'm not stopping the fanfics on other things or my original stories.

Just... as many times as I've said it before, I wanted to write this.

☆おやすみ。☆