☆ハナ☆

☆ハナです。☆

While I was without posting, I got a new MP4, a Guns N' Roses shirt, an AC/DC wristband, special Roadie Crew, Appetite For Destruction in CD with the original cover, and some other things... well, I took pics of that today XD Just not with the Roadie Crew editions, they're at LeH's... I should go an get 'em, maybe tomorrow... anyway, In the photos are me, Tsuki (guitar), my mic, my Yellow Submarine CD, Metallica Live In Concert CD, Appetite For Destruction CD, some Naruto DVDs... I forgot to add the Stiff Upper Lip DVD... um, my poster wall, it also gets some lyrics I wrote on my wall... xDD And plushies and my messy bed 8D

I'm wearing the GNR shirt and AC/DC wristband, too~ and with my gigantastic headphones xD

And not only the Stiff Upper Lip DVD, it's lacking a bunch of others and CDs but I was lazeh XD One day, I'll bring my vinyls from SP, and take out the other CDs/DVDs and show my entire collection. Other thing I wanted to add but forgot was my official MYV tour shirt ^^;





Anyway, I got some good news. Kinda. Lemme see, mom let me get back in the band :3 But I'll leave one hour earlier from rehearsal, must take my cell phone every time, call her before I leave there and well, get home before dark. Also, if I don't do that, she'll cut my guitar classes so that can't happen, ever, no matter what.

Still, I'm happy because of that ^^ I was so damn broken about it, I feel much better now... but I'm kinda sick xD Eh, yesterday I ate chicken right after having lots of chocolate, that doesn't mix well... so I almost threw up. I went to sleep considerably early, but woke up around noon. Yeah, missed school. I'm still a bit sick and sleepy as hell xD

I finished another chapter of FTGW, going to post it in a bit, got a lot more to write. Already have half of the next chapter, too~ <3

May is almost over... I have to get more paint for the printer, and print more stuff for my walls xD That, or get more posters. Hmm... if I hadn't put my Kill 'Em All poster up, I would have added it in the pics. But I put it on the window, between John and Paulie~ ^^

Nyah, for my next collection pics I want to try adding my mangas, too, and so much more xD I collect too much, honestly. I never threw out a nailpolish bottle, actually, even if they get empty/old. Collect rocks and books and board games... xDDD

Nyah, I'm going now. Got stuff to do around the house, I'll go on msn soon, maybe.

☆ハナです。☆

I stayed up through the night with my koi, we were sharing pictures and stuff~ then I was painting my Converse All Star, too, mostly with roses and Guns N' Roses lyrics. I wanna get a red one sometime soon, and then a white one to make Slash Converses, painting him onto 'em.

I was also browsing through stuff on youtube. Through most of the night I watched this:


xD Poor Ringo, he's in the back and without his drums <3 But he's doing the most important job xD Ah, John and Paul... yeah, watching Beatles stuff leads me to that. I watched some vids on John's death and, damn, Paul's always so strong, smiling, hyper and... seeing him holding back tears while he speaks of John hurts, damn it. I cried a lot on that...

This year, on December 8th, it'll be the 30th year from John's death. I want to do something for him, but it's also Teruki's birthday... I'll have to do something for both, because Teruki's birthday is something I'll never, ever miss doing something for, simple as it may be. And John, he's been a big partof my childhood along with the Beatles, and also, this year in October he would have been 70.

Then there's also Les Paul, I feel I should do something for him... Oh, ok, so many people... in September there's Cliff, too...

Now it's already so late, um, early... 1am, actually. Started writing this around 11pm, yeah. Just took some Vitamin C, and I didn't eat more than chocolate today, my stomach's starting to react. Now I'll start eating regularly, and less chocolate, I've done what I needed to... I'm heating up some rice now, that'll do. I'm so cold, damn it...

I have a cold, for that matter. My hands are almost frozen at the moment, and thanks to the warmest jacket and long sleeve shirt I had being wet, I'm only warm because I'm wearing Aoi's jacket. Today I went with only a long sleeve shirt to school and I almost froze, so he was kind enough to lend me it after learning from Marcos the reason I wasn't leather-filled. xD I was still cold for some time, Koinu also offered me his jacket, but this one was enough to keep me alive.

I have school soon, and tomorrow I need to deal with the damn computer class. How do you get R$120 out of the air, un? I need 'em as fast as possible, actually. Also, I'm trying not to get pissed off by the damn msn. It's not letting me in, I'm trying since 9pm. x.x

Tomorrow, if I can get that shitty stuff sorted out, I'll finally finish the biggest part of the translation for tabe-chan, and um, see if I can do something useful before exams start again.

Food's ready...

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

5:07am

At this time I'd usually be making my alarm clock shut up, rolling up in the covers and groaning, before hugging Baby again and falling asleep. But now I'm here writing after reading another five entries of Nina's diary (The Diary of a Soviet Schoolgirl / I Want To Live), thinking about my nightmares, my panic attacks, and also the darkest times of my life.

My hands are shaking but it's not from the terrible feeling of guilt, pain, pressure and hate anymore, it's from lack of sleep and bloodloss.

My eyes aren't blurry from medicine or weird mixtures I used to do, nor from tears that usually coat and fall from them, but from the countless hours of sitting with them open in front of the screen.

I was also remembering the two names that fell from my lips during those attacks of panic, those rushes of immense fear or those hours when the person who haunts me, this spirit or demon or even just a hallucination born off a child's nightmare, the two people that I always knew I could count on.

One, from the last fourteen and a half years. The other, from the last one year. Still, I love them both equally... My brothers are both so special, and here I had never thought of feeling as close to someone as I feel to Lally. I used to be in the corner of my bedroom, one of the many special knives I had in my hand, usually the one from Arabia because the blade wa just right for what I wanted... And I used to cry, I wanted to end my life, I wanted to just kill myself and end it, back then.

But then something would come to my mind... that small, curly haired girl that ran up the red tiles, a black dog following her as she jumped into the arms of another person, a tall man with long red hair. They both laughed and smiled, and she wouldn't let go until having to go upstairs and unpack. Then they'd watch TV, laugh some more and go downstairs again, having some milk and chocolate on top of instant ramen.

Then he'd leave for the night, and she'd stay up waiting. Around 2am, he'd be back and find her almost asleep. Chuckling he'd kiss her forehead and say goodnight, saying something about going to sleep instead of waiting for him, and then go to his own room.

The next day, as their mother and grandmother would leave to shop and visit friends, the two that were a fail at the kitchen would sit and think what to eat between hotdogs, instant ramen, rice and cheese, or something they could find in the back of the fridge. And they'd always decide on doing the three options, mixing them up and eating them with or orange juice, or chocolate milk, while watching cartoons.

And then the image would fade away, and I'd come back to my state of whimpering nothing, watching some blood drip down. "Lally..." I'd whisper, whimper, call out for in the lowest voice so no one would really hear. Then I'd scream, but no sound came out, it was torture. Some part of me wanted me to hear it. But I know he saved my life, because I thought about the one person who'd always stuck by my side, made the worse looking/smelling yet best tasting food mixtures, did the craziest things with and was always there even if far away... if I left, who would annoy the living hell out of him, or buy him five boxes of chocolate for his birthday, then eat four of them, give him one, and steal half of it while he slept?

And then, the last times... so recent but seemingly so far away, another name came to me. I had an attack, a real break down once, I hated myself for it and cursed so much, I broke down in school during a festival. I don't know how or why, but I calmed down to find both LeH and Aoi holding me, they actually managed to calm me. Aoi and I had already become brother and sister through talk and I really adored him, but I felt closer then, too. It was as if he came to be the same Lally was, even if I didn't know him for half as long.

And the next time I broke, I thought of him saying "get over it, it's going to be fine" seeming as if he didn't care, but smiling. He's never been the best with words anyway, I know sometimes things he can say sound cold to some but I think I've known him well enough already to know he's just not the best to put emotions in words or give comfort. That was another step forward, I think, and now I don't break down half as much as before...

I don't know why I'm writing this, I felt like it... damn, those two are people one can't forget, I say. I actually broke down in school once, recently... they had a field project and everyone left the classroom to go, I couldn't move. I was left in my corner, that's actually Heitor's but I steal it a lot, trying to hide from the world and hope that no one noticed. I hate being so fragile in front of people, it makes me feel weak...

It was weird, because Koinu actually stayed back a bit to try and talk to me, but he's so quiet and distant he didn't know much what to do. I think it was about half-way through the period when Aoi showed up, sent by Koinu... that surprised me, kind of, I didn't think he'd noticed I really see Aoi as my older brother, enough to calm me from that. I ended up talking to Aoi about all the nightmares and attacks, he only knew part of it, but now he knows for how long it's going on and what I did to stop them. And then we went back and finished the work before class was over, and even though I was still unstable I managed to calm down a lot...

It's weird how I started this with a looking-back-on-the-past-and-reflecting way, serious... and now I'm already smiling slighly. There's a chance Lally may come down to visit us, that also makes me happy~ I hope he does, then I can introduce him to Aoi and the rest of the band~ Aoi would look so tiny next to him, it would be funny!

I should put on a jacket, it's cold... in a contrast to the skin on my torso, which happens to be burning, my hands are ice-cold.

Ah, my mood seems to change so easily with this weather... It's already been almost fourty minutes of me writing here and I'm already in a much better mood, even if I'm still cold and sleepy and sick...

My headache's gone, and I didn't even take pills. I'd forgotten all about them by the time mom got home, I guess, I was listening to Iron Maiden and beating a cake mixture, before re-doing my KISS fake-tattoo-thing on my hand. Hm, dad should be here in four days...

☆ハナです。☆

I'm listening to KISS now, thanks to a film I saw... eh, I actually just saw a part of it, I wanted to see more. It had this woman who was a guy's mother and she was religious, and started a thing against KISS music and then he just went and spoke up, got his drum sticks back and went to the concert and stuff...

Yeah, I wanna find the whole film XD I remember to hear A Whole Lotta Rosie in it, too...

Hm, I have rehearsal tomorrow... um, today... 2pm. I mean, in eleven hours and thirty minutes.

I may try to sleep before going, but meh, I slept hours and hours and hours yesterday, until 6:30-7pm...

I don't know, I'm feeling tense about getting my grades from the start of the year, on monday. x.x I have to get high grades now, damn it, with the band and all stuff... I mean, sure, I can do it, but it's not easy ;;-;; I can do it in ANYTHING but Math and Chem. Ha, doesn't help that my Chem teacher wants to bloody murder me...

I'm considering, again, leaving the band. Why? Lotsa reasons, but then again... I can't leave Aoi alone, he's full of problems and I seem to be the only one he bitches to, maybe because he knows I listen. You see, most people around here don't care about the other's problems, or would make fun of them. I can't read Manu, there are times when she's sweet and caring, others cold as ice, others a total bitch... Marcos would surely make fun, Ale wouldn't care, Koinu wouldn't listen. That leaves me.

Also, I don't mind listening and I really wanna help... and now the band is growing, we're more like a family, Aoi's calling me his little sister again and that just makes me know he's feeling better. Over LeH, even someone like Manu seems to be making him happy... she's a good person, and well, she really likes him so I just hope things turn out okay for them.

And Hayley arrived 8D Er, Hayley is Aoi's drumset xD Named after Paramore's Hayley.

And I'm absolutely loving DuffxIzzy, wondering about what the hell the Rolling Stones are secretly planning, depressive over Aerosmith, exited about Slash and Ozzy... XDD Partying about Hayley, yeah, I'm a mess now XD



☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

And here I find myself listening to Iron Maiden once more, thinking about nothing in particular, ignoring the cold that bites and tears as I follow the sound of the guitar. My own has been resting on my bed, lonely, not being played due to the stinging air, which makes skin rip and blood run when fingertips press down on the strings.

I miss that feeling, anxious urges take over me as I think of this, so once again I'm letting my mind wonder through unseen lands that are in my imagination, or perhaps it's some unseen, different kind of paradise, since there is more to this world than our small lives. Rarely it is that one can make a difference, pull someone out from their problems, help or even just be enough to inspire, thus making us mere humans living a simple, boring and repetitive life.

Ah, but that can be broken with the thoughts, with the imagination, our own worlds and our realities clash against each others, forming a mass of difference. Music, music that's for entertainment, saving, sending a message, protesting, doing something for yourself or for this world that is viewed in so many different ways, that is now being used against the will of it's makers to torture, to kill, to make them, prisoners, want to be killed.

I don't understand why they have kept quiet until now, but finally there is a protest against that. Any music when replayed too many times, even worse if against one's will, can become torturin, agonizing, like a drop of water falling onto your forehead repeatedly for days. The artists didn't intend that as it's end, the government doesn't have that right, and yet it does that, makes them artists look bad in many eyes as if they had permitted such actions.

Then there are so many things, so many conflicts, in the end it turns to music. One way or another, music is present. Be it used in torture for prisoners, or in laughing moments, to cheer up friends or even yourself; be it speaking of war and of the tragedy and bloodshed, or of peace and love with soft and touching words; be it Iron Maiden's The Longest Day, speaking of the Operation Overlord, D-Day, June 6th of 1944 when the Allies invaded Europe and took over the war by pushing the Germans back into their own corners, or The Beatles' Yellow Submarine, with Ringo Starr's vocals singing about adventures and sending the message onto children; be it against repetition, for repetition, be it Ludwig van Beethoven, Metallica, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Judas Priest, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Antic Cafe, t.A.t.U., the GazettE, Mötley Crüe, YUI, X-JAPAN, Black Sabbath, Guns N' Roses, MUCC, DIO, Aerosmith, Slipknot, Stone Sour, Apocalyptica, GACKT, AC/DC, Meredith Andrews, Alice Cooper, The Rolling Stones, Drowning Pool, Sixx:AM, Velvet Revolver, Loaded, Izzy Stradlin' and the Ju Ju Hounds, Papa Roach, Peter, Paul & Mary, Lady Gaga, ALice Di Micele, Michael Jackson, Elvis Aaron Presley, Ludacris, Weird Al Yankovic, The Runaways, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Sex Pistols, Deep Purple, Whitesnake, Twisted Sister, Trapt, BLESSTHEFALL, Sebastian Bach, Skid Row, Kaya, Versailles, Pitty, Raul Seixas, Spiral Dance, Connie Talbot, Alice In Chains, Courtney Love, Nirvana, 30 Seconds To Mars, Zeromancer, Miyavi, Fafá De Belém, Fagner, Fergie, Black Eyed Peas, DeathEdge, Anthrax, Marilyn Manson, Led Zeppelin, KISS, Britney Spears, alan, alice nine., All American Rejects, Bowling For Soup, Anson Hu, AnyBand, Jackie Chan, BoA, ARASHI, Aqua, Big Bang, DBSK, Blood Hound Gang, Aya, Basshunter, DK3, Ashley Tisdale, Avril Lavigne, Boko Susuki, Ashlee Simpson, Evanescense, Marilyn Monroe, Charles Manson, ELT, Elton John, Jimi Hendrix, Do As Infinity, Cascada, The Cheetah Girls, Frou Frou, Daft Punk, Green Day, Good Charlotte, HALCALI, Ikimonogakari, Home Made Kazoku, Jesse McCartney, Anne Hathaway, Juliette, Jewel, Backstreet Boys, Katy Perry, Prince, Justin Timberlake, KoRn, Linkin Park, L'Arc~En~Ciel, Marc Seales, The Medic Droid, Matchy With Question?, My Chemical Romance, Rascal Flatts, P!nk, Pink Floyd, Sakakibara Yui, Shakira, Skillet, System Of A Down, Survivor, testsu, Velvet Underground, ViViD, Three Days Grace, Within Temptation, Zyon, 2PM/2AM, Voltaire, Toni Garrido, Roupa Nova, 14 Bis, Capital Inicial, Zé Ramalho, Tim Maia, Geraldo Azevedo, Jair Rodrigues, Jair Oliveira, Simoninha, Almir Sater, Sérgio Reis, Scorpions, Milton Nascimento, Ivete Sangalo, Eva, Sandy & Junior, Sideral, Marina Lima, Maria Gadú, Leila Pinheiro, Engenheiros do Hawaii, Cazuza, Gilberto Gil, Luis Caldas, Zizi Possi, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, John Lennon, Slash, Adler's Appetite, Hollywood Rose, LA Guns, Bob Dylan, Leon Russel, Carl Radle, Pete Ham, Don Preston, Eric Clapton, Jim Horn, Klaus Voormann, Tom Evans, Joey Molland, Mike Gibbons, Les Paul, Chuck Findley, Marlin Green, Jeanie Greene, Dolores Hall, Zyon, or any other, it has it's mark and choices and voice.

So if the band or artist doesn't permit, even more considering something so fragile and polemic at the same time, something as cruel as to use even the lightest John Lennon or the hardest KISS songs for torture, it just doesn't do good. Sure, use it if you have permission, but the government has absolutely no right to use those songs against their maker's will, even more considering such issue.

Ah, Twisted Sister, that brings my thoughts into another level now that I'm so far with this entry but have barely written anything aside from one protest already being held and names, that level of rebelion and freedom wishes everyone should have, of being able to storm and speak up when there's something stopping you from doing so.

And then Led Zeppelin, I don't see why people tend to compare artists, even more of this level. I've seen people comparing Led Zepp and Lady Gaga, and as much as I respect and do listen to both, I've got to agree that comparison won't do good. Even more considering there's the difference of learning how to ride a bike, or inventing the wheel, but I shall not get into those matters.

Peter, Paul and Mary, that makes memories of old times resurface, even if in numbers it may not seem that long, my mind makes it seem like those joyful childhood days were ages past, my now somewhat more mature and exploring, more scarred and experienced self, not as innocent, has changed so much from that child... Hearing stories of Mama Cano told by granny, having fun, running around and singing, listening to Puff, The Magic Dragon and watching cartoons. Days at the beach, good grades and easy ways at school, friends, not knowing the darker side of life... singing to The Beatles' songs and falling asleep with soft, baby ballads in my ears.

Ah, how that was taken away so quickly. My young days seem to have slipped away when I wasn't yet prepared for that, still a small child in body and being sent to war, that unnarmed soldier in enemy territory, crying himself to sleep and swearing to hate and kill, the monsters that once were under the bed images now are all too real, haunting, searching, tearing, pulling...

Those death-filled, bloodsoaked nightmares, the worse experiences, a fall, a high, blades, darkness... so much has passed and in the end, I'm still a child that didn't have time to live yet. Too fast, too fast to live as anyone else, doomed to die young, wanting to leave a mark to change, hoping for the past to fade, dreaming of a lighter day and a yellow submarine where the friends are all aboard, and sailing the sea...

Ah, now I hear Ringo Starr singing again, I've never gotten over these... So many childish thoughts in my mind collide with adult ones, then teenage ones, and I'm only this young. It's been eight years, aye, since I started living a nightmare. And still I see this much light, I'm so innocent and yet so stained, how can such thing come to be?

Beatles, Beatles, I feel myself being swept away by a slightly warm wind of memories filled with pain and joy both, cold and hot colliding and forming that eternity that ended so quickly, impossibly possible as such. A beautiful friendship, so broken, shattered and stepped on, then slowly replaced. A shoot, just one, was enough to end all that, all hope of comeback. I feel the distinct urge to laugh and cry at the same time, that small smile tugging up the corners of my lips just slightly as I feel this familiar wetness in my eyes.

And my mind always sticking to it's shifting waves of countless thoughts, I'm led to the fanbase of metal and rock, known as the most loyal in the world. Indeed, and when one likes it, loves it with a passion but oh, when they don't, they hate it with just as much passion. Dear, many bands have seen that, so much has been done and changed, the fanbase is radical as the bands and when they change, not all change. You know, extremes of fanbase, that's probably the best and worst thing about it, and yet it's the most loyal I've seen.

But time goes on, that's the way... we live and hope to see the next day. And that's all right. Because no matter what, it's always going to change, it doesn't matter how hard you may hold onto it, clinging to that image or memory, to that moment, to something or someone, it will change one day. To good or bad, ah, that's not a known thing until you experience it. Who knows, then?

Life IS, after all, a bed of roses. And as you may know, every rose has it's thorns... some just have more than others, some have big thorns and others little, and some flowers may just fade away before blooming. I could think of so much more to put down, so much more to say while I'm here, but I don't know... My mind works it's own way through the countless, never-ending pages of the book of life, I just flow along with what comes to me.

I've faced and heard of so many realities, each person has their own in the end, and yet mine is... full of escapes, full of dark routes, full of new doors opening every day. I don't know how it works or goes, how those rivers run and where they hit against the hard stone, where they flow down graceful, dangerous waterfalls like roaring beasts, that still have a gentle touch under the pouring strength of that current, into a lake or a continuation of it's course...

Ah, those green seas that end up in beaches, those deep cuts on it's bed, some which are known, some unexplored, holding hidden treasures, beasts, monsters of which you heard while seeing those dinossaur books when you were little, every kind of thing you can imagine. Imagination does it, man will never set foot on the end of this, no matter how much they want to. There shall always be a dakr corner, an unexplored place, a new hole and a new mountain, pouring fire or covered in ice.

There shall also be forever a biting, tearing, burning cold time that makes even the strongest of currents or the saddest of tears turn iced, and that sweating, torturous, roasting heat that burns through the skin and makes it pour out it's liquids until none are left and the body lays there, rotting until turning into nothing but a powdered remain.

The rains will pour, be it over lovers holding hands, or warm in each other's embrace, or over that homeless person or runaway child, shivering cold and having nowhere to run to.

That would usually inspire me to draw, ah, how I wish I could practise more and more, but my time is short and my day is not close to ending.

But unfortunately, this is the end of this entry.

☆おやすみ。☆