☆ハナ☆

☆ハナです。☆


Yesterday was a really full day. I had much to do, and washed the floors, tables, and I scrubbed the outside chairs clean. Still, all that doesn't compare to the work of giving Itachi a bath. He's so energetic, doesn't stop moving a bit - and it doesn't help that he hates baths. My arms are all scratched now!

But it was fun, I got to play with him now that he isn't all stinky anymore~! And I took some photos, though most came out too bright thanks to the sun. I also found out we have berries in the garden, and Hashi's new hiding place is in their bushes.

After that, I went out to buy some things - ramen, cheese, a small orange cake, and some bread - and get a bit of fresh air. I need to fix my bike, though, I'll see to that one of these days(^_^;)

I've also been updating a lot of my blog for music photography, basically an organization of my collections, but I only upload them when I have a bit of sense from what year or month they're from... most of the times. Since I've been too busy for Nyappy Brasil, my AnCafe fansite, I'm paying more attention to a new one I made - focused only on Teruki, so I need less time. I'll catch up with the AnCafe one later.

As you may know, Tsuki got scratched... well, it's more like her paint tore off at some point. I don't know how it happened... Next Saturday, my teacher's friend is coming to town to fix some of his guitars, I'll see with him how much it should cost to get her fixed.

I've recently had a sore throat - couldn't speak, eat properly and swallowing anything hurt a lot, so I drank little. Now, I'm better... it still hurts a bit, at times, but I can talk☆

Today I have more chores to do, so later on I should try posting more here~! I'm also using my Tumblr a lot, I'll add the link to the menu above.

Nyappy~♪

("Meriken" is a Japanese slang used for "American". They wanted to put emphasis on the "ME" and they dropped the "A" , so it becomes "Meriken". But it still means "American")

☆ハナです。☆

Hello~! Well, I have lots of things to talk about today - maybe this time I'll actually get it all through.

I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours, I realized that when my stomach started to burn earlier today. I didn't even notice it. So I went out a few hours today and bought myself some food, I realy didn't like the taste and didn't feel hungry, but I don't want to go anorexic or something. I'm not sick, so it can be my sleeping hours, or I don't know. At least now I know I can at least force some food down if needed, sometimes when I was like this I'd throw up almost anything.

Yesterday I was told we may travel today, so I'll leave things packed already and maybe we'll be leaving for São Paulo at night, to get there tomorrow morning. Morning meaning early morning, because we'll probably get there by sunrise or earlier. If we do go, I'm prepared to face the cold. I mean, here it can be terribly cold in winter, but... let's say, if I'm not prepared I'll come back in an ice cube, which is somewhat weird considering it should be hotter there... we're more to the South!

But I'm also wondering why Duff didn't post yesterday on Seattle Weekly, since on Monday he always posts what music he listens to and about it... Maybe something happened, I hope nothing bad. I love following his blog there, he always writes stuff to move us - be it sad, funny, happy, frightening or adorably cute! - and it's always like a journey, he writes so well...

I can't even wait for his book to come out, I'm really expecting to buy it. I want so many books, I should get some time and finish SLASH, then try to get The Heroin Diaries or Tommyland... or The Dirt. And I also can hardly wait to buy My Appetite For Destruction: Sex, Dugs and Guns N' Roses. Actually, if I were to get all at once, I wouldn't know where to start. There are SO many books, I want to know so much and read into those... but I guess one at a time, right? I really hope to get them all, though, someday.

Nikki's going to release another book soon, which will of course leave me in doubt if I should get The Heroin Diaries or the other first, because it's somewhat obvious I won't get THD before said other book comes out.

Aside from books, I want to talk about something else. I met this guy - Eduardo - some time ago, really not in the best of my moods since it was clear I'd been crying and just broken down, but we share lots of common interests in music. He had me listen to Blind Guardian for the first time, and I can only say one thing. "I. Love. It." They have awesome songs, and they're based off books - including my beloved J.R.R. Tolkien books. I was listening to the album Nightfall In Middle-Earth today - still am, now listening to "Into The Storm" - and I just adore that one. It's based off The Silmarillion by Tolkien, and the music is just... you know, it gets to you, it makes you stick to it.

I swear, I'm adding those to the list of music to buy, because I really don't like listening to music and knowing I didn't pay for that... I guess it comes with my ties even as a starting musician, you know. My dad said it's stupid that I always want to buy the CD/DVD, but I think that if everyone listened only on youtube and downloaded stuff for free, the artists would never get any money and they live off that... it's like having the money to buy food but just stealing it and taking other people to ruin.

I guess, that's how I think of it. I want to get the CDs later, but I have so many to get... I'll see if I get more money now that I go up to SP, I hope my brother forgot about those R$34 that I supposedly owe him since last year... It's not my fault mom didn't give me money enough and he had to buy a shirt!

Anyway, I have some photos on my camera... and mom's with said camera for some time, so I probably won't post any photos until I get it back. For now, I'll feature a credited devitation... with Nikki and Slash, and our dearest tophat~!


oh noes by ~junkieday on deviantART

☆ハナです。☆

Let me see, it's been some time since I wrote here. My classes return on August 2nd, not giving me much time, and I need to pass the year more than ever. I also have lots of things to look forward to, as well as complain about and many things will keep me busy for the remaining months of this year.

Well, I went to my grandparents' apartment in Florianópolis for the first week of the holidays, and well... fuck, I hope I never go there again. I mean, I can't stand my grandfather, my grandmother can be terrible and I have no idea how many times I broke down there. It was shattering, for most part, though I managed to write some more... I feel I write better when away from home, or at least write more. Maybe because this place, even with mom around, has become so safe I don't really have much to write about. I'm back to the era where I go to school and home, I don't want to go out more... and at the same time I want to stay out.

I'm still making plans to get a running bike, but what I really want is a Harley. I want to set off somewhere without a place to go, but having somewhere to return to... maybe that's the best for me to try, but the laws of this place. Uh, how many times will I get angry at the law being for driving only at 18 years old, instead of 16?

Sure, I'm not sixteen yet, but I'll be fifteen at the end of the year and waiting another three years to be able to drive is like... ugh. Yeah. I don't really know, I want to go somewhere, do something... and I can't go anywhere with Harpy, my bike, because she's already old. Or I give her a complete fix or she's only taking me to guitar class and back. I don't want to let go of her, she's a good running bike.

Maybe if I get a motorcycle, then yeah... I can go wherever, whenever and not give a damn, still have somewhere to come home to, and if not... then I can find new places and go there. I don't know why, I guess I need this freedom thing.

Been listening to lots of things, lately, from Izzy to Bob Marley and Peter Tosh, and Alice Cooper, Mötley Crüe, The Alarm and other things... speaking of Iz, thanks to Duff on Seattle Weekly, I know about his new album, Wave Of Heat. I want to get my dad to buy that and see if I can get the others, too...

All these songs make me think, travel, and much more... but I need to write better. Guess what, then? I'm going to practice on Music Memes and follow on the ideas, making actual stories. Maybe that can work.

Well, I don't know, I don't know what I'll write about now... so maybe another time.

☆ハナです。☆

During the considerably long time I didn't write here, dA failed on me - it's still not working -, Mick Jagger showed to be a bad-luck charm for the World Cup, my mom came into my room when I had CLEARLY SAID I DIDN'T WANT HER MESSING HERE and she went through all my stuff, vanished with my guitar picks and "organized" the room - well, thanks mom, now I'm lost in a very unknown area.

Anyway, I'm trying to calm down and just find a way to work out things with dA - if it isn't back by tomorrow night, I'm going to murder it. I missed guitar class today, wasn't feeling so well and needed sleep both. I'm probably going to rest a bit before it's time for koi to come on, but I'm not tired anymore.

Now I'm listening to a bunch of Beatles songs, thinking of what to do. Tomorrow I'm dying my hair, and there's a gigantic test and then I have do to the other PE test again... Yeah. I've been very weird lately, my moods or go to extreme moodswingy or to emotionless-tired.

I'm actually writing this because I need to write SOMETHING and I'm not in the mood to "translate" my handwriting and pass the stories onto the computer now... so I may write something more in a bit if I find the right song. I usually look back on series on dA itself, it's less troublesome than on .Word, but it seems necessary now. I want it working again *pouts*

I just hope koi can come on before 3am (my time) then we'll have some time, it's weird... I miss her, ne, with only a little time to talk each day - when I don't fall asleep on her or something, since my hours are completely disorganized...

So I'm wasting my words writing here, on my other blog - I'll post a link as soon as it's enough - and on twitter.

Now, let me go find something to do ^^ Soon enough I'll write an actual update XD

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

My SLASH book arrived! Today's the 25th already, it arrived on the 23rd. I read up until a bit after Slash met Steven, some really funny things like how he stole snakes! *laughs* Imagine walking by and this guy has a jacket on, snakes rolled up his arms underneath that, stolen snakes, in the middle of town... and you're like unsuspecting and stuff xD It's just awesome, and the time he stole rare snakes and had to steal books to care for them...

Anyway, me being myself I already looked through lots of the pics of the book before even arriving on those pages in reading, because I'm just that kind of a photo-lover! I can't help it, any book with photos/illustrations... I'll see first, read later. But I didn't see all of them, yet.

And well, today's the 25th. I have school in a bit, we'll be let out early 'cause of the game (Brazil and Portugal today). It's also been exactly a year since Michael Jackson's death, so now I'm watching This Is It. If only I had that guy's patience, man... anyway, yeah.

I've also been looking through my collection of Guns N' Roses photos, and Steven is almost always with one arm possessively wrapped around Duff's waist. As much as they're cute, my favs are always Duff and Iz~ soo... why not make Izzy suspect something because of the photos? Writing about that now.

And it's cold, not as bad as before but still cold - and it is going to get much, much colder still! - and I want a heater or warmer pants. I'm in freaking jeans. Well, with another pair of pants under that.

I also found out Axl had something similiar to what I have when it comes to our energy. I mean, they said that before - at the very start - he had so much energy and not where to use it, so he'd kind of convulse, shake a lot because of it. I do, very often nowadays, shake of so much energy I have unless I'm in constant movement and constant talking...

☆ハナです。☆

I'm reading Jackie Chan's blog, catching up with it. Read about Yushu and Yunan already, and now about Shanghai Expo. I finally posted a new journal on dA, it had been some time. Answered all my messages on my main page (LoveItaDei), too. I still have things to check, make sure things at Projeto Puma are going okay, and post more news on that.

I didn't sleep last night, but I fell asleep as soon as I came home. Then I woke up at night, managed to watch CSI Las Vegas and New York, and I won't sleep again. Tomorrow I have to return a Bruce Lee film, and then go out to get egg boxes with Aoi - we need them for the studio and we can't buy thousands of egg boxes, can we? - in the afternoon, and I also have guitar class. Aside from that, we have tests.

I'm calmer than before, actually... There's another week with koi around, but I don't know if I'll be able to come on tonight. It depends, I think I'll be dead tired. I just realized I'll never really get my sleeping back to normal, even because I'm seriously planning on continuing in music - and a musician tends to sleep at the oportunity most of the times, having to grab onto some things for money since music alone is a hard thing to live by.

Speaking of music, I missed Paul McCartney's birthday on the 18th, so here I'll say happy birthday to him. So close, his birthday and this day... it's almost the 25th, isn't it? It'll be one year since Michael died, I wonder if I'll have time to do something for that.

And it's getting colder - as cold as it's never been down here. They say it'll hit the record down here, of the last century perhaps. We're in Brazil, damn it, and close to the sea. Sure, we're down South, meaning it's not as hot as up in the Amazonas - hell, if I lived up there I'd... die from the heat -, but this is more than only cold. It's the kind of cold you'd expect from Lages and São Joaquim, they say.

Lages and São Joaquim are some of the coldest - if not the coldest - cities in Brazil, it snows there at times... if it gets that cold down here, I don't want to know how it'll be there, up in the mountains. Dad and my sisters are probably going to freeze, but Olga's more used to low temperatures.

But I wonder how to survive this - we don't have a heater, probably won't afford one -, so I'm counting on soup and a hot mug of tea, with meat and chicken if it's needed to keep the bodies well fed, and vegetables to keep the immune system running. I've developed a particularly bad sensitivity to the cold - at times, Aoi and Koinu say I pale so badly from the cold they think I'm with hypothermia, and in the worst days I even had Koinu lend me one of his jackets because I was so much colder than him.

One of the worst things is that in the cold, the guitar strings burn your fingers open, cut and tear... and really, I don't want to stay without playing. I'ma see if I can get a heater because I don't want to stop playing for an age just because of the stupid cold.

I also need warmer clothes, I don't have thick pants so I've been using tight pants underneath jeans to make me warm enough, even so it's freezing. Leather boots, leather jacket over long sleeves, long gloves and wristbands, my hat to protect my ears and just messing with the collar of the jacket to protect my neck.

I'm running from warm baths into hopefully warm clothes all the time, and having to heat any drink but water.

Anyway, onto my long comments on things.

Jackie Chan is incredible, I don't know how that man even exists. His past, the way he was born and the hospital being payed by others, the opera school, the way he can sing, dance, act, be that funny and kind person he is, always work for others and putting sleep as his last thing, and those martial arts... I don't know what to say.

I've always been a fan of his since the first movie I watched with him in it - since then I've watched all I can find, too - and then the animated series, and recently his music as well. And the charity events, the way he changes his schedule to visit cities and villages damaged by earthquakes and all other stuff, and planning parties and projects to help people... it's just insane.

He works so much and so well, that's one reason why I want to start taking martial arts seriously too - not to mention it would help my endurance which will be needed, I just know it.

He's one of those that influence me so much, along with Teruki, Steven, Izzy, Slash, Axl and all those...

And now more than ever I want Exile On Main St. and Stones in Exile, I've just been listening more to the Rolling Stones recently and the way they recorded that album - fires, light problems, power, recording in a freaking basement, in exile - is just insanely impressive. I know, I have a passion and admiration for insane things! *laughs*

It's examples like these - the Stones recording in that condition but not giving up, Jackie overworking himself for the good of other people but still being himself, Slash and Nikki and the others having survived all that, Steven's story, and... Mick Mars is just wow, just... wow - that make me know I have to go on even if it's the hardest path. I'm not about to give up. And Teruki did teach me not to give up, after all.

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but my grandmother is going to give me a DVD - the Michael Jackson: Live In Bucharest - The Dangerous Tour - from 1992. I LOVE that concert, it's just... the man wants to continue on stage, his management practically drags him away.

Other than that, I want Izzy's albums too... and the Slash album. Man, I need to list everything I want down, seriously! It's so much...

Anyway, I have things to do before school.

Kissu~

☆ハナです。☆

Sorry, but if I were in Ozzy's place - being tested to see how the hell I was alive - I don't know if I'd laugh or be just... yeah. XD I mean, he has been through a lot of shit, done a lot of shit, used a lot of shit, but man... testing to see why he's alive?

☆ハナです。☆

Freaking Pink Floyd is going to kill me... *sigh* So I'm switching from HIM's Killing Loneliness to Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here... and if I get depressing I'ma change it to Slipknot's Psychosocial and change moods again...

It's around 3am, my koi's comp is fucking up... I don't want to stay without talking to her... I miss her already, I'm almost fucking crying already... *curls up*

I can still breathe, though, for now... but I tend to get more nervous with time... at least her brother's going to be away next week, then we can talk... but after that, I don't know... .-.

Something tells me I'll be writing a lot of stuff... and not moving away from Tsuki unless I have to go to school... or take her with me depending on the day... when I feel lonely I sleep with Tsuki by my side, being sure not to harm her, but yeah... it helps for comfort...

I'm already dying to see Lally again... but if I can't talk to koi either... *whines* Well maybe I'll see Lally next month... maybe... but I have no idea about koi, that scares me... .-.

I'm seriously considering calling Lally... I just... I can't talk to Aoi anymore, and I'm not bothering him at 3 in the morning... then again, Lally musn't even be home by now, most probably out somewhere with his sisters or if he has a girlfriend... or with the twins...

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

Listening to Slipknot in what seems like an age. Took some photos today :3 Posted them already, all are of the sky. Well, two are city-things... I still have to post those.

I went out earlier, bought some stuff, payed bills... what else? Ah, I got sun on my arms... they got reddened but not burnt, which I'm thankful for. I'm just so glad I have Tsuki back with me, I was seriously starting to freak out about that.

Can't wait for my SLASH book to arrive, I really look forwards to reading it. I'm going to be done real soon with the Diary of Anne Frank, hope it gets here not long after... or maybe before. xD

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

Let me start here, then. The day started with koi and I rp-ing, as usual~ then I left for school, Felipe's going early nowadays so I usually walk with Jeh until the bus stop, then Felipe and I talk about... well, the usual. The Beatles. XD I swear, he can be SO John at times!

Well, back to the rp... We made like inners for Nikki and Tommy, but then they turned out being other people! 8D It's so fun to play Nyx and Tony~! I guess we kind of shifted the focus onto them this time, as well as Tommy's amnesia after... a traumatic event. It's kind of a sequel to another we're doing, but that one started by focussing on the Gunners as a Slaxl rp, and then we added Mötley Crüe, and now we shift from here to there~

We have another one, too, also focused on Mötley Crüe, and also AU (the other two are like, the young them in 2010, this one is in the world of SS/FTGW).

Anyway, at school we had Biology... the teacher just talked for two periods, I knew the stuff from our other teacher explaining, so I slept ^^; xD Yeah. Then it was Chem... I also slept then, don't even remember seeing the teacher. At breakfast (kinda like lunch period...) I ate two full breads, while I'd usually get one for myself and one for Marcos or Aoi. Or both. I was so hungry *-*

Then we had, um... PE, but it was inside the classroom today. I didn't sleep 'cause I had just eaten. Then there was Geography... we went to the computer room, and as usual there weren't chairs enough. I got my mp4, sat on the floor at the very back, and read The Diary Of Anne Frank until I fell asleep, Manu having to wake me for me to go back to the classroom with the others.

Then school ended, and I went out for lunch with my grandmother. She also gave me some money, which I was quick to use in benefit of my collection. Well, I came home, then mom sent me out to buy smokes... *sigh* They shouldn't even be fucking selling those for kids, but the law around here... yeah. It was annoying 'cause the sun was so hot by then, and I don't leave without my hat and leather jacket.

Anyway, I came home and rested after that, before deciding to go out and put my new money to it's use. Getting my torn-up, to-be-fixed bike I went up to where my mom works, even if she was already home. There's a record store there, so that's what I wanted. Bought Thriller Special Edition, with bonus material being "Someone In The Dark" (Lyrics by Alan Bergman, music by Rod Temperton), "Billie Jean" Home Demo From 1981 (Written by Michael Jackson), Voice-Over Session From "Thriller" Including Vincent Price Reading The Never Before Heard Second Verse (Spoken by Michael Jackson and Vincent Prince), "Carousel" (Written by M. Sembello, D. Freeman).

I'm listening to that now, and it's interesting, including the interview parts. About the making of the record and Thriller, and it's original name... so yeah :3 But for a special edition, it was so not-expensive! I got a KISS CD, too, from 1976, for about... R$7 more expensive.

About this KISS record, yeah, I got it today as well, it's 1976's The Lost Concert. Haven't heard it yet, will do so as soon as I finish Thriller. I'm still somewhat sleepy, since after I came home I talked/rp-ed until... I fell asleep in the middle of it... and woke up about an hour ago. I may go back to sleep in a bit and listen to this tomorrow.

Hmm... speaking back to school, today was one of the calm days, but it's killing me. Next week we have so many tests and so many this and that... but I'll make it through, so I just have to think about how to survive.

And for good news! My SLASH book arrived at dad's house, he must've already put it in the mail for me. Let's hope it arrives soon. Until then I'm going to finish The Diary Of Anne Frank, and then resist the urge to ask for more books until I finish SLASH and the four books of Lynne Reid Banks, which would be The Indian In The Cupboard, The Return Of The Indian, The Secret Of The Indian, and The Mystery Of The Cupboard.

Recently I've been listening to a lot of Beatles (thanks to Felipe) and Michael Jackson, and I like the songs with Michael and Paulie, too. In this album, there's "The Girl Is Mine", where both of them sing. And talk. I want to get Say Say Say on CD, too... but so many other books and CDs, too. ^^;

As soon as my book gets here, I'll take some of my special CDs from their hiding place and show more of my collection, including the two new records and the book. Until then, I'll just picspam you with photos of the two new CDs only XDD I know they're not close to best quality, but it's freaking 2:30am.



The Lost Concert



Thriller

☆ハナです。☆

I know it's been a while... anyway, I had this really weird dream and I just wanted to talk about it! I'm still laughing about some parts of it... and I think it has to do with my sleep-playlist last night including Highway To Hell, Hell's Bells and Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be, by AC/DC.

As far as I remember, it started with me in my room, singing along to Highway To Hell, when -gasp!- mom arrived! She never heard me listening to any of this songs, and being the strict Christian she is... Well, she heard Highway To Hell once in a movie and I did the mistake of singing along with a part, but she was working on papers at the same time, so she didn't seem to notice.

Anyway, back to the dream. She told me to stop that song, delete it and anything similiar, and went on a rant about how it could ruin my life, and actually send me to hell, be tortured for eternity and all that stuff I got TIRED of hearing at church, it's really annoying after about 30 times.

So I started arguing with her, and somehow I came to saying something like "If I helped the Devil in torturing people, who says I'd be tortured myself? I mean, if he's so evil he won't only like to hurt and corrupt people, but watch them being broken by others, too. Or maybe he still has a little of his angel side in him, huh?" At that point, we somehow weren't in my room anymore. We were in this weird room, one side painted white and the other red.

On the red side, was a big throne with the Devil sitting on it, around him lots of demons, and Angus Young was at my side. He was questioning himself if he had died or not... but the funny is that I remember the Devil wearing an AC/DC shirt, and Angus his horns. So I started arguing with the Devil, and we concluded he would like me to help him torture people. On the other, white, side of the room, were mom and Alice Cooper... rather, Vincent Damon. Some angels around them, but they said God was busy so he couldn't come...

And then it was fun also, because mom hates Alice/Vincent to death, and I was like... "Do I glomp Vincent or Angus? Or both?" And then I think I woke up, or don't remember more...

XDD Anyway, it must be because of the songs or something, because as all you know we here ain't exactly Christian, we meaning Mina and I, so even the 'devil' idea would be weird since he's a figure of that religion. xD But still, 't was pretty awesome as far as I remember.

☆ハナです。☆

While I was without posting, I got a new MP4, a Guns N' Roses shirt, an AC/DC wristband, special Roadie Crew, Appetite For Destruction in CD with the original cover, and some other things... well, I took pics of that today XD Just not with the Roadie Crew editions, they're at LeH's... I should go an get 'em, maybe tomorrow... anyway, In the photos are me, Tsuki (guitar), my mic, my Yellow Submarine CD, Metallica Live In Concert CD, Appetite For Destruction CD, some Naruto DVDs... I forgot to add the Stiff Upper Lip DVD... um, my poster wall, it also gets some lyrics I wrote on my wall... xDD And plushies and my messy bed 8D

I'm wearing the GNR shirt and AC/DC wristband, too~ and with my gigantastic headphones xD

And not only the Stiff Upper Lip DVD, it's lacking a bunch of others and CDs but I was lazeh XD One day, I'll bring my vinyls from SP, and take out the other CDs/DVDs and show my entire collection. Other thing I wanted to add but forgot was my official MYV tour shirt ^^;





Anyway, I got some good news. Kinda. Lemme see, mom let me get back in the band :3 But I'll leave one hour earlier from rehearsal, must take my cell phone every time, call her before I leave there and well, get home before dark. Also, if I don't do that, she'll cut my guitar classes so that can't happen, ever, no matter what.

Still, I'm happy because of that ^^ I was so damn broken about it, I feel much better now... but I'm kinda sick xD Eh, yesterday I ate chicken right after having lots of chocolate, that doesn't mix well... so I almost threw up. I went to sleep considerably early, but woke up around noon. Yeah, missed school. I'm still a bit sick and sleepy as hell xD

I finished another chapter of FTGW, going to post it in a bit, got a lot more to write. Already have half of the next chapter, too~ <3

May is almost over... I have to get more paint for the printer, and print more stuff for my walls xD That, or get more posters. Hmm... if I hadn't put my Kill 'Em All poster up, I would have added it in the pics. But I put it on the window, between John and Paulie~ ^^

Nyah, for my next collection pics I want to try adding my mangas, too, and so much more xD I collect too much, honestly. I never threw out a nailpolish bottle, actually, even if they get empty/old. Collect rocks and books and board games... xDDD

Nyah, I'm going now. Got stuff to do around the house, I'll go on msn soon, maybe.

☆ハナです。☆

I stayed up through the night with my koi, we were sharing pictures and stuff~ then I was painting my Converse All Star, too, mostly with roses and Guns N' Roses lyrics. I wanna get a red one sometime soon, and then a white one to make Slash Converses, painting him onto 'em.

I was also browsing through stuff on youtube. Through most of the night I watched this:


xD Poor Ringo, he's in the back and without his drums <3 But he's doing the most important job xD Ah, John and Paul... yeah, watching Beatles stuff leads me to that. I watched some vids on John's death and, damn, Paul's always so strong, smiling, hyper and... seeing him holding back tears while he speaks of John hurts, damn it. I cried a lot on that...

This year, on December 8th, it'll be the 30th year from John's death. I want to do something for him, but it's also Teruki's birthday... I'll have to do something for both, because Teruki's birthday is something I'll never, ever miss doing something for, simple as it may be. And John, he's been a big partof my childhood along with the Beatles, and also, this year in October he would have been 70.

Then there's also Les Paul, I feel I should do something for him... Oh, ok, so many people... in September there's Cliff, too...

Now it's already so late, um, early... 1am, actually. Started writing this around 11pm, yeah. Just took some Vitamin C, and I didn't eat more than chocolate today, my stomach's starting to react. Now I'll start eating regularly, and less chocolate, I've done what I needed to... I'm heating up some rice now, that'll do. I'm so cold, damn it...

I have a cold, for that matter. My hands are almost frozen at the moment, and thanks to the warmest jacket and long sleeve shirt I had being wet, I'm only warm because I'm wearing Aoi's jacket. Today I went with only a long sleeve shirt to school and I almost froze, so he was kind enough to lend me it after learning from Marcos the reason I wasn't leather-filled. xD I was still cold for some time, Koinu also offered me his jacket, but this one was enough to keep me alive.

I have school soon, and tomorrow I need to deal with the damn computer class. How do you get R$120 out of the air, un? I need 'em as fast as possible, actually. Also, I'm trying not to get pissed off by the damn msn. It's not letting me in, I'm trying since 9pm. x.x

Tomorrow, if I can get that shitty stuff sorted out, I'll finally finish the biggest part of the translation for tabe-chan, and um, see if I can do something useful before exams start again.

Food's ready...

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

5:07am

At this time I'd usually be making my alarm clock shut up, rolling up in the covers and groaning, before hugging Baby again and falling asleep. But now I'm here writing after reading another five entries of Nina's diary (The Diary of a Soviet Schoolgirl / I Want To Live), thinking about my nightmares, my panic attacks, and also the darkest times of my life.

My hands are shaking but it's not from the terrible feeling of guilt, pain, pressure and hate anymore, it's from lack of sleep and bloodloss.

My eyes aren't blurry from medicine or weird mixtures I used to do, nor from tears that usually coat and fall from them, but from the countless hours of sitting with them open in front of the screen.

I was also remembering the two names that fell from my lips during those attacks of panic, those rushes of immense fear or those hours when the person who haunts me, this spirit or demon or even just a hallucination born off a child's nightmare, the two people that I always knew I could count on.

One, from the last fourteen and a half years. The other, from the last one year. Still, I love them both equally... My brothers are both so special, and here I had never thought of feeling as close to someone as I feel to Lally. I used to be in the corner of my bedroom, one of the many special knives I had in my hand, usually the one from Arabia because the blade wa just right for what I wanted... And I used to cry, I wanted to end my life, I wanted to just kill myself and end it, back then.

But then something would come to my mind... that small, curly haired girl that ran up the red tiles, a black dog following her as she jumped into the arms of another person, a tall man with long red hair. They both laughed and smiled, and she wouldn't let go until having to go upstairs and unpack. Then they'd watch TV, laugh some more and go downstairs again, having some milk and chocolate on top of instant ramen.

Then he'd leave for the night, and she'd stay up waiting. Around 2am, he'd be back and find her almost asleep. Chuckling he'd kiss her forehead and say goodnight, saying something about going to sleep instead of waiting for him, and then go to his own room.

The next day, as their mother and grandmother would leave to shop and visit friends, the two that were a fail at the kitchen would sit and think what to eat between hotdogs, instant ramen, rice and cheese, or something they could find in the back of the fridge. And they'd always decide on doing the three options, mixing them up and eating them with or orange juice, or chocolate milk, while watching cartoons.

And then the image would fade away, and I'd come back to my state of whimpering nothing, watching some blood drip down. "Lally..." I'd whisper, whimper, call out for in the lowest voice so no one would really hear. Then I'd scream, but no sound came out, it was torture. Some part of me wanted me to hear it. But I know he saved my life, because I thought about the one person who'd always stuck by my side, made the worse looking/smelling yet best tasting food mixtures, did the craziest things with and was always there even if far away... if I left, who would annoy the living hell out of him, or buy him five boxes of chocolate for his birthday, then eat four of them, give him one, and steal half of it while he slept?

And then, the last times... so recent but seemingly so far away, another name came to me. I had an attack, a real break down once, I hated myself for it and cursed so much, I broke down in school during a festival. I don't know how or why, but I calmed down to find both LeH and Aoi holding me, they actually managed to calm me. Aoi and I had already become brother and sister through talk and I really adored him, but I felt closer then, too. It was as if he came to be the same Lally was, even if I didn't know him for half as long.

And the next time I broke, I thought of him saying "get over it, it's going to be fine" seeming as if he didn't care, but smiling. He's never been the best with words anyway, I know sometimes things he can say sound cold to some but I think I've known him well enough already to know he's just not the best to put emotions in words or give comfort. That was another step forward, I think, and now I don't break down half as much as before...

I don't know why I'm writing this, I felt like it... damn, those two are people one can't forget, I say. I actually broke down in school once, recently... they had a field project and everyone left the classroom to go, I couldn't move. I was left in my corner, that's actually Heitor's but I steal it a lot, trying to hide from the world and hope that no one noticed. I hate being so fragile in front of people, it makes me feel weak...

It was weird, because Koinu actually stayed back a bit to try and talk to me, but he's so quiet and distant he didn't know much what to do. I think it was about half-way through the period when Aoi showed up, sent by Koinu... that surprised me, kind of, I didn't think he'd noticed I really see Aoi as my older brother, enough to calm me from that. I ended up talking to Aoi about all the nightmares and attacks, he only knew part of it, but now he knows for how long it's going on and what I did to stop them. And then we went back and finished the work before class was over, and even though I was still unstable I managed to calm down a lot...

It's weird how I started this with a looking-back-on-the-past-and-reflecting way, serious... and now I'm already smiling slighly. There's a chance Lally may come down to visit us, that also makes me happy~ I hope he does, then I can introduce him to Aoi and the rest of the band~ Aoi would look so tiny next to him, it would be funny!

I should put on a jacket, it's cold... in a contrast to the skin on my torso, which happens to be burning, my hands are ice-cold.

Ah, my mood seems to change so easily with this weather... It's already been almost fourty minutes of me writing here and I'm already in a much better mood, even if I'm still cold and sleepy and sick...

My headache's gone, and I didn't even take pills. I'd forgotten all about them by the time mom got home, I guess, I was listening to Iron Maiden and beating a cake mixture, before re-doing my KISS fake-tattoo-thing on my hand. Hm, dad should be here in four days...

☆ハナです。☆

I'm listening to KISS now, thanks to a film I saw... eh, I actually just saw a part of it, I wanted to see more. It had this woman who was a guy's mother and she was religious, and started a thing against KISS music and then he just went and spoke up, got his drum sticks back and went to the concert and stuff...

Yeah, I wanna find the whole film XD I remember to hear A Whole Lotta Rosie in it, too...

Hm, I have rehearsal tomorrow... um, today... 2pm. I mean, in eleven hours and thirty minutes.

I may try to sleep before going, but meh, I slept hours and hours and hours yesterday, until 6:30-7pm...

I don't know, I'm feeling tense about getting my grades from the start of the year, on monday. x.x I have to get high grades now, damn it, with the band and all stuff... I mean, sure, I can do it, but it's not easy ;;-;; I can do it in ANYTHING but Math and Chem. Ha, doesn't help that my Chem teacher wants to bloody murder me...

I'm considering, again, leaving the band. Why? Lotsa reasons, but then again... I can't leave Aoi alone, he's full of problems and I seem to be the only one he bitches to, maybe because he knows I listen. You see, most people around here don't care about the other's problems, or would make fun of them. I can't read Manu, there are times when she's sweet and caring, others cold as ice, others a total bitch... Marcos would surely make fun, Ale wouldn't care, Koinu wouldn't listen. That leaves me.

Also, I don't mind listening and I really wanna help... and now the band is growing, we're more like a family, Aoi's calling me his little sister again and that just makes me know he's feeling better. Over LeH, even someone like Manu seems to be making him happy... she's a good person, and well, she really likes him so I just hope things turn out okay for them.

And Hayley arrived 8D Er, Hayley is Aoi's drumset xD Named after Paramore's Hayley.

And I'm absolutely loving DuffxIzzy, wondering about what the hell the Rolling Stones are secretly planning, depressive over Aerosmith, exited about Slash and Ozzy... XDD Partying about Hayley, yeah, I'm a mess now XD



☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

And here I find myself listening to Iron Maiden once more, thinking about nothing in particular, ignoring the cold that bites and tears as I follow the sound of the guitar. My own has been resting on my bed, lonely, not being played due to the stinging air, which makes skin rip and blood run when fingertips press down on the strings.

I miss that feeling, anxious urges take over me as I think of this, so once again I'm letting my mind wonder through unseen lands that are in my imagination, or perhaps it's some unseen, different kind of paradise, since there is more to this world than our small lives. Rarely it is that one can make a difference, pull someone out from their problems, help or even just be enough to inspire, thus making us mere humans living a simple, boring and repetitive life.

Ah, but that can be broken with the thoughts, with the imagination, our own worlds and our realities clash against each others, forming a mass of difference. Music, music that's for entertainment, saving, sending a message, protesting, doing something for yourself or for this world that is viewed in so many different ways, that is now being used against the will of it's makers to torture, to kill, to make them, prisoners, want to be killed.

I don't understand why they have kept quiet until now, but finally there is a protest against that. Any music when replayed too many times, even worse if against one's will, can become torturin, agonizing, like a drop of water falling onto your forehead repeatedly for days. The artists didn't intend that as it's end, the government doesn't have that right, and yet it does that, makes them artists look bad in many eyes as if they had permitted such actions.

Then there are so many things, so many conflicts, in the end it turns to music. One way or another, music is present. Be it used in torture for prisoners, or in laughing moments, to cheer up friends or even yourself; be it speaking of war and of the tragedy and bloodshed, or of peace and love with soft and touching words; be it Iron Maiden's The Longest Day, speaking of the Operation Overlord, D-Day, June 6th of 1944 when the Allies invaded Europe and took over the war by pushing the Germans back into their own corners, or The Beatles' Yellow Submarine, with Ringo Starr's vocals singing about adventures and sending the message onto children; be it against repetition, for repetition, be it Ludwig van Beethoven, Metallica, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Judas Priest, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Antic Cafe, t.A.t.U., the GazettE, Mötley Crüe, YUI, X-JAPAN, Black Sabbath, Guns N' Roses, MUCC, DIO, Aerosmith, Slipknot, Stone Sour, Apocalyptica, GACKT, AC/DC, Meredith Andrews, Alice Cooper, The Rolling Stones, Drowning Pool, Sixx:AM, Velvet Revolver, Loaded, Izzy Stradlin' and the Ju Ju Hounds, Papa Roach, Peter, Paul & Mary, Lady Gaga, ALice Di Micele, Michael Jackson, Elvis Aaron Presley, Ludacris, Weird Al Yankovic, The Runaways, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Sex Pistols, Deep Purple, Whitesnake, Twisted Sister, Trapt, BLESSTHEFALL, Sebastian Bach, Skid Row, Kaya, Versailles, Pitty, Raul Seixas, Spiral Dance, Connie Talbot, Alice In Chains, Courtney Love, Nirvana, 30 Seconds To Mars, Zeromancer, Miyavi, Fafá De Belém, Fagner, Fergie, Black Eyed Peas, DeathEdge, Anthrax, Marilyn Manson, Led Zeppelin, KISS, Britney Spears, alan, alice nine., All American Rejects, Bowling For Soup, Anson Hu, AnyBand, Jackie Chan, BoA, ARASHI, Aqua, Big Bang, DBSK, Blood Hound Gang, Aya, Basshunter, DK3, Ashley Tisdale, Avril Lavigne, Boko Susuki, Ashlee Simpson, Evanescense, Marilyn Monroe, Charles Manson, ELT, Elton John, Jimi Hendrix, Do As Infinity, Cascada, The Cheetah Girls, Frou Frou, Daft Punk, Green Day, Good Charlotte, HALCALI, Ikimonogakari, Home Made Kazoku, Jesse McCartney, Anne Hathaway, Juliette, Jewel, Backstreet Boys, Katy Perry, Prince, Justin Timberlake, KoRn, Linkin Park, L'Arc~En~Ciel, Marc Seales, The Medic Droid, Matchy With Question?, My Chemical Romance, Rascal Flatts, P!nk, Pink Floyd, Sakakibara Yui, Shakira, Skillet, System Of A Down, Survivor, testsu, Velvet Underground, ViViD, Three Days Grace, Within Temptation, Zyon, 2PM/2AM, Voltaire, Toni Garrido, Roupa Nova, 14 Bis, Capital Inicial, Zé Ramalho, Tim Maia, Geraldo Azevedo, Jair Rodrigues, Jair Oliveira, Simoninha, Almir Sater, Sérgio Reis, Scorpions, Milton Nascimento, Ivete Sangalo, Eva, Sandy & Junior, Sideral, Marina Lima, Maria Gadú, Leila Pinheiro, Engenheiros do Hawaii, Cazuza, Gilberto Gil, Luis Caldas, Zizi Possi, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, John Lennon, Slash, Adler's Appetite, Hollywood Rose, LA Guns, Bob Dylan, Leon Russel, Carl Radle, Pete Ham, Don Preston, Eric Clapton, Jim Horn, Klaus Voormann, Tom Evans, Joey Molland, Mike Gibbons, Les Paul, Chuck Findley, Marlin Green, Jeanie Greene, Dolores Hall, Zyon, or any other, it has it's mark and choices and voice.

So if the band or artist doesn't permit, even more considering something so fragile and polemic at the same time, something as cruel as to use even the lightest John Lennon or the hardest KISS songs for torture, it just doesn't do good. Sure, use it if you have permission, but the government has absolutely no right to use those songs against their maker's will, even more considering such issue.

Ah, Twisted Sister, that brings my thoughts into another level now that I'm so far with this entry but have barely written anything aside from one protest already being held and names, that level of rebelion and freedom wishes everyone should have, of being able to storm and speak up when there's something stopping you from doing so.

And then Led Zeppelin, I don't see why people tend to compare artists, even more of this level. I've seen people comparing Led Zepp and Lady Gaga, and as much as I respect and do listen to both, I've got to agree that comparison won't do good. Even more considering there's the difference of learning how to ride a bike, or inventing the wheel, but I shall not get into those matters.

Peter, Paul and Mary, that makes memories of old times resurface, even if in numbers it may not seem that long, my mind makes it seem like those joyful childhood days were ages past, my now somewhat more mature and exploring, more scarred and experienced self, not as innocent, has changed so much from that child... Hearing stories of Mama Cano told by granny, having fun, running around and singing, listening to Puff, The Magic Dragon and watching cartoons. Days at the beach, good grades and easy ways at school, friends, not knowing the darker side of life... singing to The Beatles' songs and falling asleep with soft, baby ballads in my ears.

Ah, how that was taken away so quickly. My young days seem to have slipped away when I wasn't yet prepared for that, still a small child in body and being sent to war, that unnarmed soldier in enemy territory, crying himself to sleep and swearing to hate and kill, the monsters that once were under the bed images now are all too real, haunting, searching, tearing, pulling...

Those death-filled, bloodsoaked nightmares, the worse experiences, a fall, a high, blades, darkness... so much has passed and in the end, I'm still a child that didn't have time to live yet. Too fast, too fast to live as anyone else, doomed to die young, wanting to leave a mark to change, hoping for the past to fade, dreaming of a lighter day and a yellow submarine where the friends are all aboard, and sailing the sea...

Ah, now I hear Ringo Starr singing again, I've never gotten over these... So many childish thoughts in my mind collide with adult ones, then teenage ones, and I'm only this young. It's been eight years, aye, since I started living a nightmare. And still I see this much light, I'm so innocent and yet so stained, how can such thing come to be?

Beatles, Beatles, I feel myself being swept away by a slightly warm wind of memories filled with pain and joy both, cold and hot colliding and forming that eternity that ended so quickly, impossibly possible as such. A beautiful friendship, so broken, shattered and stepped on, then slowly replaced. A shoot, just one, was enough to end all that, all hope of comeback. I feel the distinct urge to laugh and cry at the same time, that small smile tugging up the corners of my lips just slightly as I feel this familiar wetness in my eyes.

And my mind always sticking to it's shifting waves of countless thoughts, I'm led to the fanbase of metal and rock, known as the most loyal in the world. Indeed, and when one likes it, loves it with a passion but oh, when they don't, they hate it with just as much passion. Dear, many bands have seen that, so much has been done and changed, the fanbase is radical as the bands and when they change, not all change. You know, extremes of fanbase, that's probably the best and worst thing about it, and yet it's the most loyal I've seen.

But time goes on, that's the way... we live and hope to see the next day. And that's all right. Because no matter what, it's always going to change, it doesn't matter how hard you may hold onto it, clinging to that image or memory, to that moment, to something or someone, it will change one day. To good or bad, ah, that's not a known thing until you experience it. Who knows, then?

Life IS, after all, a bed of roses. And as you may know, every rose has it's thorns... some just have more than others, some have big thorns and others little, and some flowers may just fade away before blooming. I could think of so much more to put down, so much more to say while I'm here, but I don't know... My mind works it's own way through the countless, never-ending pages of the book of life, I just flow along with what comes to me.

I've faced and heard of so many realities, each person has their own in the end, and yet mine is... full of escapes, full of dark routes, full of new doors opening every day. I don't know how it works or goes, how those rivers run and where they hit against the hard stone, where they flow down graceful, dangerous waterfalls like roaring beasts, that still have a gentle touch under the pouring strength of that current, into a lake or a continuation of it's course...

Ah, those green seas that end up in beaches, those deep cuts on it's bed, some which are known, some unexplored, holding hidden treasures, beasts, monsters of which you heard while seeing those dinossaur books when you were little, every kind of thing you can imagine. Imagination does it, man will never set foot on the end of this, no matter how much they want to. There shall always be a dakr corner, an unexplored place, a new hole and a new mountain, pouring fire or covered in ice.

There shall also be forever a biting, tearing, burning cold time that makes even the strongest of currents or the saddest of tears turn iced, and that sweating, torturous, roasting heat that burns through the skin and makes it pour out it's liquids until none are left and the body lays there, rotting until turning into nothing but a powdered remain.

The rains will pour, be it over lovers holding hands, or warm in each other's embrace, or over that homeless person or runaway child, shivering cold and having nowhere to run to.

That would usually inspire me to draw, ah, how I wish I could practise more and more, but my time is short and my day is not close to ending.

But unfortunately, this is the end of this entry.

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

He's back, I saw him last night, I can feel it now... the air is thick... I can't move from here, I can't...

It's going to cut, I just know there's a blade here... something wrapped around my throat, damn it... I... I feel like it's going to cut me slowly, one piece at a time, it... it's closing in...

I can't keep my back to the door, but I can't keep my back to the window... and under the desk, and the bed... listening to Enter Sandman ain't helping but I can't listen to anything else...

His hand is at the door handle, I can see it...

☆ハナです。☆

Once again I forgot the photo, but now my face is too sleepy to even take it xD

Okay, so I stayed up until like, 10am, and no one came here to fix the damn internet! They said they'd be here at 8. So I put Victoria to the side, get Baby, hug her and lay down next to Tsuki, covering all of us with the sheets and falling asleep. Around 4pm my dad wakes me up, hell I didn't know he was still around, and makes me go out with him for ice cream, food and sweets XD Okay, that's a good thing. He gives me my money, we search for stuff for my guitar, and then finally I'm left back home again. I work on some stuff I had to work on, get a tiny bit of money for it, go back to sleep. Wake up every some hours, I'd left my comp and internet on, so I just come on every time until I sleep again.

The internet guys came while I wasn't here, so I was with an open firefox and my mom in my unguarded room... *shivers* I'm glad everything's seemingly in place, but I hope she didn't mess around the comp.

So now I'm sleeping, waking up and coming on, sleeping, waking up and coming on... yeah ^^;;

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

Ok, I admit... yesterday I felt like shit, totally beaten down. I don't know, I don't even know what part of my thoughts made me cry at a first mention of Chinese Democracy or of listening to it... Things are so messy in my head, I don't even want to go to that matter now.

Anyway, I was broken down and after I went offline I had to cry myself to sleep again, which is really bad considering my moodswings tend to be kind of violent. It also didn't help that I almost lost the bus and that Manu stayed saying shit, I consider her my friend, but she really crosses the line on what to say at times. That's one of the few I should not consider my friend, or else it just hits me badly. If it's not, then I'm fine... but if I didn't have better self control, I'd probably have or hurt her or cried again.

And it ALSO didn't help that Andre kept provoking Aoi and then said lots of stuff and then they argued, Aoi got in a dark mood and even refused to eat... *sigh* Koinu managed to stay close to him through that, but even Manu and Marcos kept back. I just tried to cheer him up without being annoying.

Then my chem teacher, Jashin, how I wanted to kill him. Not that it isn't a mutual respect-hate feeling we have, as much as we can talk and be civil we're not the best of friends that a student and a teacher could be. Also, I'm never again taking my guitar to school on a day when I have chem class.

Aoi continued in his almost-corner (the corner is Heitor's, Aoi sits a seat from it) until after "breakfast" period, even refusing the food I bough for him. Well, Marcos took it, since I wasn't going to eat it. I had some for myself, too...

But it seems like in the before-last period, when we had to watch a movie 'bout volcanos, he calmed down. Not the normal Aoi, but he was calmer.

Then we didn't have last period 'cause our teacher didn't show up, so I went to Aoi's house (he lives almost beside the school) and made us some early lunch (it was still 10:30am), which he thankfully agreed to eat. I guess he managed to calm down more and get back to normal, because he even complained I wasn't eating enough XDD

I actually don't like to eat as much as normal when I'm at other people's houses, even though I feel at home most of the time when I'm there. But he was right, I had what, half a plate? XDD So I did manage to get some more food, and he quit complaining.

We watched DBZ before I had to go and get the bus to come back home, I guess I was feeling better by then again... that reminds me of a time when I was with Lally and for some reason we were angry, but then it just seemed to calm down. It was as if for a first moment I was a stranger in Aoi's house again, but then we were like siblings some minutes later.

Well, I'm glad he wasn't angry at me, or else I'd be much worse. I have this thing, it doesn't matter who it is, but if someone I consider close is angry at me I get extra-emotional, even more than usual... yeah.

Then I came home talking to Samu and Felipe, as usual, Felipe and I arguing about not having what to argue over XD

I came home and then bad news again, damn it, my guitar teacher was taken to the hospital for some problem with his blood ways... I hope he's okay, now...

In other words, I was at home risking breaking down because of boredom when I decided to make the cookies for the boys. Damn, it's been months! My special recipes, my books, my bowels, my chocolate cookies... It's just heaven to do that again, if I weren't in music I'd definitely choose something to do with cooking.

Also, it made me feel more useful. Thinking of how Koinu would be unusually hyper about it, and open the first package just to have it stolen by Aoi, they run around the school chasing each other for the cookies while the others get into some of the other packages and we just keep laughing and in the end everyone is just happy...

I love seeing that, be it for real or in my mind, it always makes me smile. That, at least that way, I can help them be happy and laugh... and I won't lie, the cookies are good. XD I just never thought someone would get addicted to them... Now I even have a fan club for my cookies, made by LeH...

*chuckles* I have some of the dowel already done, I'm going to make more because just one won't do for those two... plus Marcos and the others if they eat... yeah~

This is going to be funny~

Anyway, tomorrow some people are coming to install some thing on the internet so we can use it on both computers, so I'll be offline even if I don't have school. I have to clean my room tonight, too, which... erm... uh... *looks around* XDDD Yeah. Lots of stuff to pick up...

That means mom hopefully won't have to steal my computer to go on the internet! Yeah, it's awesome.

Not only the cookies, I prepared a special kind of chicken only I know how to make because I mix up a hell of a lot of things XD I bet many chefs wouldn't mix up that much...

Well, yeah~ let me see, then I slept while the chicken was baking, and strange enough I woke up just at the right time for it to be perfectly baked XDDDDD

Other than that, I need ideas and inspiration to write~ and I'm so tempted to read a few mangás over and over, even though they can be kind of long... and I should have saved Death Note on my comp ^^;;

And now I'm listening to songs leaded by Izzy, like 14years, BOX (one of his solo songs), and at the moment Dust N' Bones. I love Axl's vocals, but something about Izzy makes me love him, too~ He's so cute and quiet, but at the same time dangerous (like, he was in original Guns, duh) and a genius... really, he was the main songwriter for Guns and he still has all that inspiration.

And I was thinking about something Aoi, Ale, Koinu, Nikki Sixx and some other guy said... XDD About women being troublesome... then there's that part of Dust N' Bones:

"Sometimes these women are so easy
Sometimes these women are so cold
Sometimes these women seem to rip you right in two
Only if you let them get to you"

And it just all fit, because I heard everything at the same time... XDDD Life is weird at times, really~

Then I was thinking again about moving to SP. My conclusion? Not yet, I can't leave the boys alone... and how would they survive without cookies? XD I really can't leave this just yet, not to mention my grades aren't good enough at the moment for me to change schools. Mine just started accepting me, and this year it marks nine years I study at the same school, so yeah... I want to try finishing it all here.

Also, I don't know if I could survive in SP... Even Miami is easier to live in, really XDD

I should put some cookies to bake soon, and then koi should be back soon, too... I just have to make sure not to burn the cookies or make too many of them, or else I'll end up eating them all... xD

I was thinking of buying bass picks and doing something for Kanon's birthday, but I don't know if I'll have the money... I need some guitar picks myself. But I'm going to try doing something with drumsticks for Teruki's birthday, I really hope I can do it~

Dad is in Paraná, which means I'm only going to get my SLASH book around a month from now... at least I'll get it, I hope... or else I'd murder him, really. XD Okay, not really, but at least let him hear a bit of bitching. I hope my Appetite For Destructions gets here soon, too...

Other than that, I'm kind of sleepy, but I have lots of stuff to do... *yawns* My room is honestly a mess. A real, real mess. Like, I don't think Pitty's early band days, or GnR living together in the beggining, or something like that, would be half this messy. XD And that's saying a lot.

Now I still have to find out if Koinu's really sleeping enough, I don't think he is... Sometimes I wonder why I keep taking care of them, I feel like if I were an elder sister even being the younger... xD (Koinu is 15, Aoi is 18 and Marcos 17, so yeah, I'm the younger).

I guess that's it for now... I still gotta take my picture, I'll post it soon~

☆おやすみ。☆

☆ハナです。☆

I was talking to my koi about it, and well... my memory is shit, so I decided to try taking a picture of me from each day, and then maybe post 'em here, and see how that goes. This one is today:



Other than that, I have some pictures from when a friend's store was broken into and the robbers took everything out...


That's the entrance of the store on the next day.

Now lemme find some random shoots of myself...

☆ハナです。☆

Will you believe me if I say I don't remember a thing about what I wrote in that GnR post? XDDDDDDD
Okay, I was so down on sugar and sleep and I dunno what else, so if I said shit I usually wouldn't or was too harsh just tell me, I just dunno how Axl didn't let go of his awesomeness even through all that shit, it was and still is clearly a big pressure on them, and Mina and I were mixed together there.

Don't blame me on the shit I wrote, really, we don't like thinking that much XDD

Anyway, Mina and I were discussing on starting a... discussion thingy? It's like, video blog posts so I don't end up saying shit I don't intend to and stuff, to discuss albums and whatever... damn, it's hardly 7am and I haven't slept and I have smut to write... so yeah XDDD We'll see that later.

"It was just a trip to hear Ozzy working out the parts for a piece of music that I wrote. Somebody I’d been listening to since I was a kid, all of a sudden right there. He put together a very poignant set of lyrics about a particular subject matter that a lot of us can relate to..."

☆ハナです。☆

I've been watching more, reading more... I adore all the original line up, but some things... I don't know, because there was this break. Like, before the shows with the Stones, there was this break of them, and that's what drove them down. If they'd continued, just as they were... Steven probably wouldn't have been kicked out, Slash and Axl would probably be okay, everyone would probably be content with it. Even Izzy, I think.

He didn't want the band to be a worldly giant monster machine, but the reason he left the band wasn't just that. When the drugs tore them down, in this break, he and Slash and Steven were just so fucked up, and Duff was so drunk all the time, and Axl wasn't opened to other thoughts so his radical view of reality was just too big there... Steven couldn't get out of his drug addiction. Sometimes, I hate how much I understand that guy. He couldn't play because of it, but he'd lie to them. To continue there, to keep on playing... trying.

It wasn't the fact that they kicked him out that hit him so bad, I think... because he did everything he could to try and kill himself once he was out of the band. He just was betrayed, and the way it was announced, it just made that feeling grow. I know how that shit is, the difference of someone telling you you're out and then announcing it or just leaving it quiet, and of someone just getting in front of thirty eight thousand people and saying you're out and why you're out. Sure, I haven't been in front of all that people, but it's the same as if you were in front of five people. It just worsens it that they were famous, at their top.

And being sober, then Steven being kicked out... I don't think Izzy really accepted Matt as a GnR member, I have to read more on that, still, but Steven leaving was another thing that made him take his decision to leave. That, his freedom, and the fact he was sober around a bunch of still-drunk-n-high guys.

And then it all seemed to crumble...

But Axl hadn't told the others how he'd announce Steven's leave, you know... he just, I think by impulse or by feeling that was when he could do it, or maybe to see if that made Steven stop... he just got there and said it. I love Axl and I understand a lot of shit has happened, but that doesn't mean there aren't times when he fucked up. Sometimes, I want to do exactly what Steven said he wanted to... heh...

As much as there is obviously some scrapped reason, thrown off the map, there's also the point where Axl just got consumed by the fame. Join two and two, and you have a big fall. I have nothing against Matt, but also, Axl had announced that if someone -Slash- who had serious problems didn't stop, the band was over (in the first show out of the four they opened for the Stones). That made Slash hate him, in Slash's own words... He was pretty fucked up at the time, but that surely made him pissed at Axl...

And I remember it took Axl announcing Steven's leave that way for Steven's mother to realize he did have a problem, unfortunately it seemed to be too late to help. He was truly saved by a miracle, I just wonder for what purpose. I have lots of them in mind.

Though, while watching this interview, one line made me smile. That was by Matt, that he said "What's with the piano?"

As much as I like the thought that Axl's talent wouldn't go to waste, and I like the songs with the piano, I kind of understand him, too. It's like, the band didn't just have a change in members. Axl had decided to change the whole direction of the band, he wanted to do something different... and well, that just drove 'em all apart in a way, even more, but I'm not complaining about anything else that came from it. The problem is that as the beggining Guns they were fine, they were Guns N' Roses, and suddenly it started to change and they didn't agree. It's like, in a way, the Beatles.

Okay, weird thing to say.

Anyway, Slash wanted one thing, Matt felt out of place, and Axl was trying to drive a machine that had long since lost it's breaks, while Izzy was practically jumping out of the car so he wouldn't die... Duff, I just can't tell in which seat he was by the time this thing crashed.

Then well, there was the shit when Axl made them sign over the rights. He didn't fucking buy the rights to the name Guns N' Roses, he made them sign over for free.. it's almost as if he were stealing the band rights for himself. I mean, it was that or he left. Guns N' Roses was Steven, Axl, Slash, Duff and Izzy. Then, it was minus Steven but plus Matt, but damn, the other three and even Steven, they had their share in it. But even so, Guns wouldn't be the same without Axl's voice... it's like, I stopped listening to songs from after Izzy left, not from just after Slash left. One change is enough, and well, I just didn't feel right.

The base guitar, it seems so little, but it supports the whole song and it glues it together, and then he left...

Yeah, they handed over the rights because it wouldn't be GnR without Axl... Well, all in all, he wanted to make sure Guns N' Roses survived, even if one or another version fell down. I have nothing against the new versions of GnR as a band, but it just isn't the same band, it shouldn't have the same name.

Then there was the concert in St. Louis, where Axl tried to grab a camera from a fan and well, he ended up throwing the mic down in anger... it broke, and well, soon it was all chaos. Slash admitted he was scared of it, imagine, tens of thousands of people just out of control and you need to run... then they escaped, but that was... I'm even scared of hearing it, imagine living it.

And well, then there were times when Axl would walk off stage or not show up... and the times the show was awesome and you wouldn't forget it if it killed you... so it was all unexpected shit.

By the time Use Your Illusion was out, I guess they were so divided... yeah...

It seemed like that's when Axl stole the scene and fame was over his head for real, he was the focus, he was the videos and he seemed to be the band, in his head. I know he needed to survive, there was the part of trust only in yourself and throw other shit out the damn window, but still... what's the point of being in a band if you're the only focus? Or if you guys are on each other's nerves so bad you can't stay in the same room? It just... yeah.

I'm not putting all the blame on Axl, hell, I could make and probably will make another entry with the side blames, but this is to point out that he wasn't a fucking angel, nor was he the devil. He was someone who had an ugly past, learned how to not trust, had problems in lots of stuff and had this bad temper, this unstable, thin line in both his trust life, his love life, and his emotions. He was also overcome by fame, and he was also just... "When you're high, you never wanna come down"... I guess that sums it... He lived for Guns, but still, that ended up not being Guns in the end. In the end, he didn't want to let go, it's like... it's like when you seem to lose everything and the last important person to you is dying, you want to cling onto them and believe they're alive, even when the body is just empty.

That was one more item for Izzy to leave... he knew Axl since HS, back in Indiana, but when you add that band pressure and Axl's iron fist on the band, he didn't stand it. He left, November '91... I understand all of them, in a way, and Izzy, Steven and Axl are always plaguing my mind with that stuff, and Duff and Slash add onto it... I can say things to defend and condemn all of them, so don't put me in court or I'll contradict myself in this side. XDD It's like putting angel wings on Angus Young, when he deserves them, but at the same time crown him with the devil horns. They're both.

And then again, they were bound to break up or die or whatever, from the very beggining... that's what made them, that's what broke them. If Axl's past hadn't fucked him up, if Steven and Slash weren't that high, if Duff weren't that drunk, if Izzy weren't that... Izzy... they wouldn't be the most dangerous band in the world. Axl could just be the Axl we know because he let go and he would destroy everything around him, with his voice, and face his demons that way. The tour kept Steven and Slash and Izzy less high, Duff less drunk, because they already had what to keep them going.

After Iz left, they weren't exactly a band... and Matt said that. "Let's be a band, man".

And then there was Axl walking off stage more, no contact with him out of tour, and all shit was phoned... and Slash passed out in front of the elevator at the hotel... He almost died then. He dodged the bullet, it seems. But Duffy... *sigh*

He was so drunk, so bad in shape, he couldn't even speak well. He was killing himself. Matt said he'd hear something on stage, and look to see Duff passed out.

Then in '92, they joined Metallica for a tour. But fuck, the pyrothecnics must have let something off because in one of the shows, James was burnt badly on stage. Guns N' Roses had to deal with the crowd, then. Axl's voice was fucked up, so he couldn't save the day then.

Hell, that was chaos again. And then... Argentina, when it all ended. Fuck, a band ain't a bunch of guys hating each other, it's supposed to be a family. They were the most dysfunctional family in history, I guess. They still are, in a way.

On the road, they would, in a fucked up way, show it. But then they didn't want to get home, because it's like... it's all going to end as soon as we step off the tour.

They released the cover album, but then there was the new orginal album. Axl had to have the power in his hands because well, he felt dominant. It's like, I've felt it before. If I let go in the slightest, I'm going to die, and it's all over. Kind of like that.

It's like a marriage bound for divorce. Sympathy for the Devil, that was their eding track, the farewell, credits of the movie.

It was in '96, Slash quit... and Duff and Matt followed, of course. That was the end, for everyone. Minus Axl.

That guy, he really couldn't let go. Disappeared off the face of the earth for five years, to come back with an all-new badn under the same fucking name. THAT wasn't Guns. That was a completely different band, it's like saying "this band is a new GnR because it has one of it's originals in it". It just kept the name. Axl's voice was long gone, it wasn't the same... I'm not saying his voice is crap, I'm saying it changed, as everyone who abused drugs, alcohol, temper and vocal chords' voice is bound to change.

He changed, everyone changed.

So many years... Chinese Democracy, so many years to make it, so many years that Axl had been clinging onto the damn name of the band. Maybe if it weren't under the name Guns N' Roses, the album would be seen with better eyes. I don't have the courage to listen to something under the name of Guns N' Roses that has only one original member. I can listen to Velvet Revolver, I can listen to Sebastian Bach's Angel Down album with participations from Axl, I can listen to them in other shit, but not that way. Not under Guns N' Roses, as much as I hold respect for their members and Axl himself.

It ain't the same band.

In Velvet, Scott seemed to be more Axl-like. It may have been pressure, it may have been the need to be that, but he became too much like Axl for the others to stand. Until now, they're vocalist-less.

It's never going to be the same, even if they did happen to return. It's not the same, even if they came back to being a working and not-so-fucked-up family, but... you know, Guns N' Roses is still a family, that fucked up original line up is somehow, still a big, fucked up dysfunctional family that's going to live on, and well, it's never going to die. Axl can keep clinging to the name, but man, the name is gone to the history books for the '80s and early '90s, it ain't going to be the same machine again.

Shit, I should stop before I rant again XDDDD

☆ハナです。☆

It's good that people warn me I don't have school >.>

I'm at Aoi's now, and he doesn't know. In fact, he's still sleeping... *sigh* At least here I feel at home.

☆ハナです。☆

I said a lot of stuff about what's going on at my dA journal, so I'll just picspam you guys 8D

Yesterday, dad bought two horses and my sisters were more than just happy about it. Carina (the younger, shorter one) may seem kind of... not-smiling, but she's just like that sometimes XD Doesn't mean she isn't happy.

I was impressed to see Lara smiling that much again, in the last year she's been so cold around me... *sigh* I never was the best sister, I only started to really care for Carina around this year... Lara is just, I don't know, I tried being a good sister but in truth I felt distant from her. She may have noticed... How? I don't know.
















That's all for now~ <33

☆おやすみ。☆