☆ハナ☆

☆ハナです。☆

5:07am

At this time I'd usually be making my alarm clock shut up, rolling up in the covers and groaning, before hugging Baby again and falling asleep. But now I'm here writing after reading another five entries of Nina's diary (The Diary of a Soviet Schoolgirl / I Want To Live), thinking about my nightmares, my panic attacks, and also the darkest times of my life.

My hands are shaking but it's not from the terrible feeling of guilt, pain, pressure and hate anymore, it's from lack of sleep and bloodloss.

My eyes aren't blurry from medicine or weird mixtures I used to do, nor from tears that usually coat and fall from them, but from the countless hours of sitting with them open in front of the screen.

I was also remembering the two names that fell from my lips during those attacks of panic, those rushes of immense fear or those hours when the person who haunts me, this spirit or demon or even just a hallucination born off a child's nightmare, the two people that I always knew I could count on.

One, from the last fourteen and a half years. The other, from the last one year. Still, I love them both equally... My brothers are both so special, and here I had never thought of feeling as close to someone as I feel to Lally. I used to be in the corner of my bedroom, one of the many special knives I had in my hand, usually the one from Arabia because the blade wa just right for what I wanted... And I used to cry, I wanted to end my life, I wanted to just kill myself and end it, back then.

But then something would come to my mind... that small, curly haired girl that ran up the red tiles, a black dog following her as she jumped into the arms of another person, a tall man with long red hair. They both laughed and smiled, and she wouldn't let go until having to go upstairs and unpack. Then they'd watch TV, laugh some more and go downstairs again, having some milk and chocolate on top of instant ramen.

Then he'd leave for the night, and she'd stay up waiting. Around 2am, he'd be back and find her almost asleep. Chuckling he'd kiss her forehead and say goodnight, saying something about going to sleep instead of waiting for him, and then go to his own room.

The next day, as their mother and grandmother would leave to shop and visit friends, the two that were a fail at the kitchen would sit and think what to eat between hotdogs, instant ramen, rice and cheese, or something they could find in the back of the fridge. And they'd always decide on doing the three options, mixing them up and eating them with or orange juice, or chocolate milk, while watching cartoons.

And then the image would fade away, and I'd come back to my state of whimpering nothing, watching some blood drip down. "Lally..." I'd whisper, whimper, call out for in the lowest voice so no one would really hear. Then I'd scream, but no sound came out, it was torture. Some part of me wanted me to hear it. But I know he saved my life, because I thought about the one person who'd always stuck by my side, made the worse looking/smelling yet best tasting food mixtures, did the craziest things with and was always there even if far away... if I left, who would annoy the living hell out of him, or buy him five boxes of chocolate for his birthday, then eat four of them, give him one, and steal half of it while he slept?

And then, the last times... so recent but seemingly so far away, another name came to me. I had an attack, a real break down once, I hated myself for it and cursed so much, I broke down in school during a festival. I don't know how or why, but I calmed down to find both LeH and Aoi holding me, they actually managed to calm me. Aoi and I had already become brother and sister through talk and I really adored him, but I felt closer then, too. It was as if he came to be the same Lally was, even if I didn't know him for half as long.

And the next time I broke, I thought of him saying "get over it, it's going to be fine" seeming as if he didn't care, but smiling. He's never been the best with words anyway, I know sometimes things he can say sound cold to some but I think I've known him well enough already to know he's just not the best to put emotions in words or give comfort. That was another step forward, I think, and now I don't break down half as much as before...

I don't know why I'm writing this, I felt like it... damn, those two are people one can't forget, I say. I actually broke down in school once, recently... they had a field project and everyone left the classroom to go, I couldn't move. I was left in my corner, that's actually Heitor's but I steal it a lot, trying to hide from the world and hope that no one noticed. I hate being so fragile in front of people, it makes me feel weak...

It was weird, because Koinu actually stayed back a bit to try and talk to me, but he's so quiet and distant he didn't know much what to do. I think it was about half-way through the period when Aoi showed up, sent by Koinu... that surprised me, kind of, I didn't think he'd noticed I really see Aoi as my older brother, enough to calm me from that. I ended up talking to Aoi about all the nightmares and attacks, he only knew part of it, but now he knows for how long it's going on and what I did to stop them. And then we went back and finished the work before class was over, and even though I was still unstable I managed to calm down a lot...

It's weird how I started this with a looking-back-on-the-past-and-reflecting way, serious... and now I'm already smiling slighly. There's a chance Lally may come down to visit us, that also makes me happy~ I hope he does, then I can introduce him to Aoi and the rest of the band~ Aoi would look so tiny next to him, it would be funny!

I should put on a jacket, it's cold... in a contrast to the skin on my torso, which happens to be burning, my hands are ice-cold.

Ah, my mood seems to change so easily with this weather... It's already been almost fourty minutes of me writing here and I'm already in a much better mood, even if I'm still cold and sleepy and sick...

My headache's gone, and I didn't even take pills. I'd forgotten all about them by the time mom got home, I guess, I was listening to Iron Maiden and beating a cake mixture, before re-doing my KISS fake-tattoo-thing on my hand. Hm, dad should be here in four days...